Let go and let... Coach?

Coach V. posted another video yesterday, and again it was perfect timing for me. It's almost like she's living in my brain!

One of the things that she talked about was our progress, or more specifically, our probable lack of progress.  She assured us that after having seen literally hundreds of women go through this program, that most typically don't see weight loss or measurement progress until at least 8-12 weeks into it.

Whew!  What a relief!  I'm not a failure.  

In the last 6 weeks, I've seen very little movement in either direction, which logically makes sense but emotionally is sometimes a little difficult to deal with.  I need to keep reminding myself that this isn't a weight loss program, it's a method for transforming my bad habits to healthy habits that I'll be able to maintain for a lifetime.  And as such, since we're only 6 weeks in, we're still working on building the foundation of these habits and not yet even talking about specific foods or food plans or anything like that.

I have to admit, though -- because people know that I'm doing this, I get a lot of "So, how much weight have you lost so far?" type questions.  And then I'm put in the position of explaining that no, I haven't lost weight, and yes, that's normal for this program.  People who aren't familiar with Lean Eating tenets have this common misconception -- that it's just another program geared towards nothing but dropping pounds.  Thing is, I know how to lose weight -- if that was all Lean Eating was, I wouldn't be here.  What I've never mastered, however, is doing it in such a way where weight loss isn't the main goal but rather a side effect of healthy changes I've made to my lifestyle.

So, because progress at this stage can be a mental bugaboo that can cause nothing but unneeded frustration, Coach V. proposed a deal:  we focus on the habits and getting our training in, and she'll keep track of the numbers. We need to let that part go -- other than entering the data, don't think about it, don't worry about it, don't let it get in your head and drive you crazy.  She'll keep tabs on things and if she sees that you're headed in the wrong direction, she'll be the one to start up a conversation with you about it.

And that's a huge burden lifted off my shoulders!  I wouldn't have guessed that it would be, but it most certainly is.  I like being given permission to only concentrate on the things that I have direct control over.  It means that the important stuff is what will be getting my attention which will be way easier on my little pea brain than my normal over-analysis of the numbers.

So, I've got a job to do:  head down, habits practiced, workouts done.  Easy.

Clarke the calorie counter

Clarke trying to hide under the bed
and not quite succeeding...

He looks completely innocent, doesn't he?

Clarke probably thought he was doing me a favor: as I rushed to get my storm-hating dog Belle out for a quick walk before the rain hit, Clarke got out of his cage (I had not locked it down like I should have) and helped himself to half of my Jimmy Johns roast beef sandwich.

As soon as I walked back in the house, he looked at me and went directly to his cage.  He knew.

I had been out running some errands and let myself get really hungry, which is why I opted to pick up Jimmy Johns -- I just didn't feel like cooking up something once I got home. In the back of the mind, I knew I'd have to be careful, though -- be mindful to not inhale it just because I hadn't eaten in 6 hours or so and my stomach felt like it was starting to digest itself.

But I was looking forward to the challenge of being in a position of having to really eat slowly and pay attention! Bring it on!

Clarke, on the other hand, probably thought I wasn't up for it and took it upon himself to help me out. He's always looking out for me like that.  And he did leave me all the vegetables, so there's that.  Oh, and about half a sandwich worth of meat and cheese. 

Clarke did portion control for me.  Gooood doooog.  If only I could teach him to do laundry and take out the garbage...

Easy way out

After a long day of network troubleshooting (both work and personal), my brain is mush. So, I'm taking the easy way out today and just posting a link to a TEDblog article that discusses why it's so difficult to lose weight and keep it off.  Essentially, your brain doesn't want you to.  Perhaps you should go read it to fill in the blanks from my 6-word cliffnotes summary.

I thought it was really interesting how this article reinforces the critical nature of the two most important LE habits: eating slowly and stopping before you're completely full. These two habits are part of what this researcher touts as the only way to really keep off weight because otherwise, it takes too much willpower, which is in short supply.

Really, willpower sucks.  Since it's such a limited resource, instead you need to learn to rely on listening to your body -- eating mindfully, she calls it.  Sound familiar? 

So - seriously - go read it.  You'll be happy you did.

Smart chocolate

Actual wrapper!

I've got a Dove chocolate wrapper saying that I keep posted:  Be fearless. Chocolate's pretty wise, eh?

So simple, yet not at all easy.  

Today's assignment got us thinking about the fears that keep us from doing the things we want and those that stand in the way of our goals. Peeling back the layers of the fear -- starting at the superficial fears and working down towards the deep-seated, I-hope-no-one-finds-out fears -- is one way to get to the core of what it is you're scared of and then figuring out how to push through it.

For me, I'm the queen of self-sabotage.  Diet going well?  Losing weight, feeling great? Well, then, it's about time to stop training and go out and get a dozen donuts!

It took me a long time to realize that this was something I was inflicting on myself instead of something that "just happened", silly as that sounds.  And it stemmed from one very base fear that I have:  the fear of failure. When things start moving in the right direction, there's a part of me that's quite sure that I won't be able to keep it up and I figure I might as well end the streak on my own terms.  I don't want to give it my best effort, fail and then have to admit to myself and the world that my best effort wasn't good enough.

Makes sense, right?

Having put words to this takes away some of its power.  Doesn't make it easier to combat, but -- ironically -- makes me more inclined to work hard so that no one thinks that I just threw the opportunity away (the power of what other people might think!).

Think about all the things you'd do if you weren't afraid! Figure that out and then go do it anyway.

(I sound like a motivation poster, don't I?)

A little discomfort

Yesterday's assignment talked about being uncomfortable.  Not wedgie-in-your-butt uncomfortable (though that ranks right up there!), but the discomfort that comes when you do something that's new or unfamiliar.  You're a little on edge, a touch anxious, a bit worried ... you know what I'm talking about.

Now, for me this has taken a couple of different forms since I've started Lean Eating, but probably the most prevalent has been trying to teach myself to be okay with being hungry. Notice the hunger, but don't react to it.  

I always bought into the raw science of calories in/calories out as a diet plan, but limiting calories had proven problematic for me.  So, I did the next best thing:  for a number of years I simply out-trained my bad eating. But once I stopped with the training, I had nothing going for me to negate my embarrassingly awful nutritional bad habits. Which brings me here -- writing a daily blog about the results of those habits.

One of the side effects of my over-eating is that I'm not used to be hungry.  I just never allow it to happen.  I don't *like* being hungry (who does?). It's uncomfortable and a little disconcerting, to tell you the truth.  

But now I need to leave my proverbial comfort zone and start to become friends with hunger. If I know that I've eaten what I should and fueled myself appropriately, then I don't need to automatically make the hunger go away. Instead I should welcome the hunger in, give it a nice pillow and blanket and invite it to stay awhile.  Understand that it's not a bad thing -- it's only negative if I choose to see it that way -- and what it really means is that my body is working properly and sending me the right signals to help me determine what it needs.

I make it sound easy, don't I?  Of course, it isn't (hunger isn't always the best house guest, as I'm finding out). But if I intend to make any progress (and I do!), I'll have to keep working at this. I've got to get to where that magic happens!

Feeling better now, thanks.

Today wasn't the best day ever.  It was a Monday, in every sense of the word.

Work was chaotic and I ended up staying much later than I intended.  After finally getting home, I had a paper to edit, dogs to feed and walk, me to feed and then a Google Hangout with my Lean Eating buds.

Because I was feeling stressed and pressed for time, I ate while editing.  With a lot of awareness, I shoveled in chips and guacamole and a sandwich without even tasting it.  And you know what?  I couldn't have cared less.  I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway because it would have been hard to do things the right way and I just didn't feel like it.  I fell into the whole "it was a bad day and I deserve to eat whatever I want" trap.

So, it was coming up on 7pm -- time for my Google Hangout/accountability meeting -- and I was not only feeling stuffed and cruddy, but guilty on top of that.  I thought about not getting online for the meeting because I'd either have to lie about my day or 'fess up and I really hate admitting to people when I've failed.

The old me would have made an excuse not to go.  The new me -- despite also being the new me that still had tortilla chip dust on my fingers -- decided that I needed the meeting.  And you know what?  Talking to the other women, telling them about my day and the choices I made... it was good.  It felt like by getting it out in the open, it no longer had the power to weigh me down.  Confession is good for the soul (or, at least that's what my Catholic upbringing pounded into me).

It happened, and I wish I could have acted differently, but these moments are a part of life and really, my success will depend on being able to shrug them off and get right back at it. As my mentor said, if everything were always perfect, you'd never learn.  It's the mistakes and the tangents and bumps in the road that teach the lessons that will stick with you.

So, I'll wipe off the tortilla chip dust and pick myself back up and make better choices next time.  Because there's always another chance to make a good decision, right?

Sunday Funday: Week 5 Review

Five weeks into the program -- about 10% done! -- and I feel like things are just starting to click into place for me. Late this week, I finally had enough of feeling like I was "gaming the system" by eating crap but just eating it slowly and not being over-stuffed ("I'm following the rules!").  Made the decision to stay away from the crappiest of the crap -- the low-hanging chocolate bars, so to speak -- and concentrate on putting more whole foods into my body.

And that's sparked a renaissance of sorts for me -- it's like I flipped a switch and all of a sudden eating pizza and candy and ice cream isn't who I am.  Aha!  It's that whole "identity" thing creeping up on me, methinks!  I don't suspect that I'm cured now, but this mindset will make it easier to git'r'done.  I'm happy to report that I did all my grocery shopping for the week and I managed to steer clear of most of the treats that I usually buy for myself.

With that, here's a rundown of my week:

Measurements:
Finally some progress!  Weight is remaining pretty stubborn, but the more-important measurements are improving.  his makes me pretty dang happy.  It's not much, but it's enough to keep me plugging away at this.

Workouts:
This is still going well. Training is part of my identity, so when I wasn't doing it, I felt like a fraud.  It feels great to be hitting it 5x/week.  From now until the end of time (well, the end of Precision Nutrition time, I suppose), the weekly template will be 3 strength sessions, 2 interval sessions, 1 active recovery day and 1 rest day.  Totally doable.  And I can't wait to start increasing my run distance/pace, too -- I'm not yet feeling like a runner, but I certainly *am* a runner.

Habits:
This week was the introduction of the second cornerstone habit:  to stop eating when I'm 80% full. I've struggled to wrap my mind around this one.  I mean, what's 80%?  How do you measure that?  For my black and white mathematical brain, this proved a challenge. What turned this around for me was learning to use the hunger scale instead -- a 1 to 10 scale of hunger, where you eat when you're around a 2-3 and stop eating when you're at a level 7-8.  For whatever reason, this was much easier for me to grasp.  Since implementing this, I think I've made good progress with this habit though it's still very much a work in progress.

The problem with having a dog and only eating until 80% full

Habit Log:
Weeks 1-2: Fish oil and probiotic
Weeks 3-4: Eating slowly

Week 5:  Stop eating at 80% full

Gold star!

Today was another measurement day -- the fifth one so far -- and finally (finally!) I'm starting to see some movement in the downward direction.

Not much, mind you, but enough to tell me that the changes I've made this week are making a difference.  My weight is down almost a pound (though I'm still a touch above where I started), but my measurements are down almost 2". That's an accomplishment I can hang my hat on! Not that I know how you can hang a hat on an accomplishment, but let's not nitpick.

Lean Eating website in the background! I'm so dedicated...

This morning after taking all my measurements, I was rummaging through one of my drawers and found this bracelet that my awesome sister bought for me a few years ago.  After a few months of not wearing it, it was perfect timing (or fate?) that I found it today. It says "Celebrate Small Victories" -- so true!  I need to make sure that I take the time to do a little happy dance and tell myself that I'm totally awesome when I see progress. Like I was saying yesterday, it's all about consistently making good choices. And it's not surprising that good results make me want to create MORE good results. Which should lead to all sorts of happy dances. Funny how that works.

I've said it before:  I'm all about the gold stars. They make me want to do good and be better.  The one part I have to work on, though, is not waiting for someone else to stick them on me -- I've got to learn to give myself those gold stars.  The self-pat on the back is what it's all about.

Every french fry is an opportunity in disguise

I read this nugget of wisdom in the forums awhile back (I'm paraphrasing because I can't find the original posting and my memory doesn't totally work anymore):

Every meal is an opportunity to reach your goal.

In the past when I've been trying to drop some weight, there's a lot of "well, one dinner doesn't matter" and "just tonight I'll eat the entire pint of ice cream".  I fail to see any single meal as significant.

And this is true and yet oh so false.  Like, sneaky-devil-on-my shoulder-whispering-in-my-ear false.

Of course, it's true in the obvious sense:  one meal will not guarantee either total success or total failure on this journey. There's always room for compromise and food that's not necessarily on the "healthy" list.  And, I'd be Ms. Cranky Pants if you told me that I could never again eat pizza or chocolate again, for example.

But believing that no single meal is significant can lead me down a rabbit hole of bad choices. It's a slippery slope -- one binge almost always leads me to another.  It's like that first string of bad choices are my gateway drug into a world of indiscriminate cookie, candy and ice cream inhalation.

The lesson for me is that on a consistent basis I have to view every single meal as an opportunity -- and by consistently taking advantage of all of these opportunities, I can craft an identity and lifestyle that supports a new, healthy me.  You know, that athlete that I want be again.

Every goal is reached by collecting a bunch of good choices and hard work and putting it together like pieces of a puzzle, each a stepping stone.

Notes

Just a few random notes because I'm a little pressed for time:

1. This week we are now doing 3 sets of all the strength exercises.  I appreciate the extra work, but it's starting to bore me a little.  I'm happy that the routine will be switched up in another 2 weeks.
2. I was unable to resurrect my DVR box from the dead, but the interaction with AT&T to get a new one was surprisingly painless!  Got the new one in a day and it's up and running with no issue. Of course, I lost all my recordings (boo!), but it kept all my settings so I don't have to set all my programs back up again.  
3. Awareness takes a lot of mental work.  Just saying.
4. My back is feeling pretty dang good.  It's sore and bruised, but not feeling fragile like it had been, if you know what I mean.  Did strength training today with no modifications and no pain!
5. The dogs are at doggy day care and I'm selfishly leaving them there a little longer to get a few things done around the house without canine "assistance".  Does that make me a bad doggie mom?
6. I've had two (mostly) sugar-free days.  Recently I've been fiercely craving chocolate and all things sugary, so this is small victory for me.  Of course, sugar-free does not (yet) include giving up my morning Diet Pepsi.
7. I'm surprised at how much of the Lean Eating program is mental and emotional work rather than just following a diet and exercise program.  In some ways this is easier (I'm still enjoying my Diet Pepsi!), but in other ways, it's much harder.  I'm good at burying things and am thinking that there might be an exhumation somewhere along the way.

80%

Okay, so the 80% thing is weird.  That's the best way I can find to explain it. 

I've always known that I had a tendency towards emotional eating, but I didn't realize how much I equated being filled with being fulfilled.  It's hard to stop at 80%, just short of what's always felt satisfying.  It's like not quite being able to reach that mosquito bite that's smack dab in the middle of your back.

Another challenge for me is that if I skip meals (mostly breakfast or lunch), a migraine is a distinct possibility.  So, I have a second equation that resides in my brain:  hunger = migraine.  I start to get hungry and alarm bells start going off in my head:  EAT FOOD! EAT FOOD!  Of course, I can be hungry without getting a migraine but I don't let that little fact get in the way of shoveling the food into my mouth when that's what I want to do.

I need two different strategies to mitigate these two very different situations.  For the first, I need to figure out how to divorce feelings and emotion from eating.  Make eating something that's all about fueling my body and enjoying the food and stop allowing food to provide comfort, because that's just an illusion anyway.

For the migraine situation, I need to tune in to what my body is telling me and know that every hunger pang doesn't mean that a migraine is inevitable.  It's looking at the situation logically and trust that as long as I'm not skipping meals or drastically cutting calories that any headache I get isn't linked to a lack of food.  

Trolling the PN discussion forums, someone posted the following link, and the article has given me some more insight on the whole 80% thing.  Basically, stopping at 80% really is like stopping at 100%.  Huh?  Because it takes 20 minutes for the stomach to get the signal to your brain that it's full, if you stop at 80%, you'll usually find that 80% is 100% in disguise.

A couple of graphics that have also been posted show hunger on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being starving and 10 being overstuffed (a.k.a "Did I really just eat that whole pizza?"). I want to learn to eat when my hunger level is at about a 2-3 ... don't get too hungry, but also make sure that I'm actually hungry before eating.  The flip side of that is to stop eating when I'm at about a 7 or 8, knowing that 9 and 10 are really uncomfortable and will cause me regret and an evening of sitting on the couch, moaning all night about how I can no longer button my jeans.

All easier said than done, but at least I've got something to work with now.

I look like I was attacked by an octopus

Through dumb luck, I had a massage scheduled for today -- perfect timing with my back still being pretty sore from the weekend.

My massage guy (I love having a guy that I can call "my massage guy"), after hearing about what was going on, suggested that I might benefit from some cupping therapy. "Huh?" I intelligently replied.  He explained that it involved using cups and suction to increase blood flow to the area which would encourage more healing.  Being the adventurous type, I told him to go for it.  He did mention that there might be some red spots or bruising, but that it depended on the individual.  Since I normally don't bruise easily, I didn't figure there would be much to show for it.

The process was uncomfortable, but didn't really hurt.  It felt more like my skin being pulled very taut and held that way for 10 minutes or so. I was happy to have the cups removed, but I could have stayed that way for quite awhile longer if I had to.  Afterwards, my guy followed with a normal deep tissue massage, concentrating on my lower back.

Well, here's the result (sorry for the bad picture -- it's a very difficult spot to take a picture of by yourself, and the dogs weren't being very helpful, either):

Um, yea. I look like I have a bunch of big ol' hickeys on my back!  And this picture doesn't really do a good job at showing how beat up I look, either. Oh, and there are 4 more big bruises that you can't see because I'm nice enough to save you from having to look at my bare butt.  You're welcome.

But you know what?  I think it must be some sort of voodoo black magic because my back feels AWESOME.  Like, it barely hurts anymore.  Maybe overnight it'll go back to being sore and cranky, but right now?  It feels pretty darn good.  Whodda thunk it, right?

It's a new habit Monday!

PN's visual representation of 80%

Remember all the way back to two weeks again when I said something silly like "Wow things are getting tough!" when we were told to eat slowly?

Well, I didn't mean it. NOW things are getting tough.

The new habit?  Stop eating when I'm 80% full.  What?  I can't top off the tank?  Eat until I'm not hungry any longer?  I'm not even sure I know how to do this.

This is our second "super habit" -- eating slowly and eating to 80% are the two cornerstone habits of the Lean Eating program.

PN suggests things like leaving a few bites of food on your plate or simply serving up smaller portion sizes. In theory, this should be easy.  In practice, I'm not entirely sure how to implement it, to be honest.  Smaller portion sizes seems straightforward, but what is smaller?  I don't know that I have a good enough sense of what my portion size normally is to make it 20% smaller.  

And leaving a few bites on my plate?  This seems logical, but my latent Catholic "you must clean your plate there are starving children in Africa" guilt makes that a challenge.  I've been very well trained to eat everything!  I hate wasting food, especially when it's something I've gone through the trouble of making.

What about when it's lunchtime and I'm not necessarily hungry (but have to eat because that's the one time I get to sit down for it)... what's 80% when I wasn't starving to begin with?  Or a small snack?  Do I eat one less slice of pepper or cucumber?

(do I sound a little stressed about this?)

So, right now I'm just concentrating on staying calm ... breathe... breathe... breathe... and trusting that there will be a ton more information on this topic in the next week which will give me some clear guidelines and the tools I need to be able to implement this habit.  I get the concept, but that's about where it ends.  Just gotta play with it, I suppose. Relax a little... understand that this isn't rocket science and -- once again -- trust the process.

Sunday Funday: Week 4 Review

My, how time flies when you're having fun, right?

Already have about a month in the books.  Amazing.  This week has been a little up and down, but I'm feeling good about everything.  Well - everything except every muscle in my body.  Between running for the first time in forever yesterday morning, and helping my brother move a very big, heavy and awkward desk, I'm in a world of hurt!  Good thing it's a rest day, because I'm walking around like an old woman.

This week also featured a bunch of really great reading and writing assignments focused on identity -- who I am and who I want to be -- and why I have the goals that I do.  Toss in some work on the behavioral vs. outcome goals and how best to accomplish them, and my brain got a workout in this week, too.

Also key -- we had our small accountability groups set up and had our first online meeting! It'll be great to get to know some of the ladies on more of an in-depth basis.  I'm hoping this group turns into one that I can count on for daily support.

Onto the wrap-up for the week...

Measurements:
I'm still pretty much status quo, which is a little frustrating, but not all that surprising especially since I'm fighting some hormonal battles.  It's still just scale and measurements (no more photos yet, thankfully!), and nothing much is budging, but I'm not panicking. Well, I'm not panicking too much, at least.

Workouts:
Training has been outstanding!  I'm not sure how it happened, but I went from reluctantly strength training maybe 1-2x/week to training 5 times a week and feeling great about it. Next week the strength training ramps up again, adding a third set to all the exercises, so that'll be challenging.  And as far as interval training goes, I'm already exceeding what I'm supposed to be doing and excited about it.


Habits:
I keep getting more and more mindful of eating slowly, despite not always adhering to the practice, and that's a big part of the battle for me.  A new habit will be introduced tomorrow, but eating slowly will be something that I'll continue to work on until I feel more comfortable with it and start doing it without having to concentrate so hard.

Habit Log:
Weeks 1-2:  Fish oil and probiotic
Weeks 3-4:  Eating slowly

(PS ... my DVR box is dead.  *sniff*)

Dreamin'

I woke up this morning still kind of halfway in the dream I was having.  In the dream, I was talking to a friend of mine who had asked if I were running the Chicago Marathon this year. I guffawed at the thought and told her "Hell NO!". After that, she brought up the idea of Chicago 2014, and dream-me found myself being talked into it (I cave easily to peer pressure, what can I say?) and thinking, "Yea, I could do that...".

Chicago 2011 Finisher

Whaaaat?  Let's just say, I was happy it was just a dream.

And then ... and then... (in real life)

...I thought, "why not?"

Back in what feels like a different life, I've done 4 marathons, the most recent being Chicago 2011. After that one (as after every other marathon I've done) I swore up and down that I'd never do one again. Never! And plus, this last one, I was finally satisfied with my results -- a 4:09 finish and I never once quit on the course -- and haven't really had an urge to do one since then.

This morning I had an interval workout to get in -- I had intended to do what I did last week and head downstairs to hit the rowing machine -- but dream-me kept poking at my brain.  I started thinking (I know, I know... I'm just asking for trouble):  one of the things that I want from this program is to feel like a runner again. I've been waiting to hit the pavement, though, because all the extra weight makes running uncomfortable.  It struck me, though -- you don't have to feel like a runner to be a runner.  And all it takes to be a runner is to go out and (surprise!) run.

So, I made a few slogging steps towards my goal and did my interval training out running. It hurt, it was hard, and I felt like a faux runner out there, but, indeed -- by definition -- I am once again a runner. And if I keep being a runner, I'll soon feel like a runner as well. Makes sense to me.

And Chicago Marathon 2014?  I've tucked that idea into the back of my head, letting it percolate and I'll see if it bubbles up again ... or if I'll come to my senses and do what dream-me was unable to do and just say no to marathons!  

Panic!

My DVR box is on the fritz.  All of my favorite shows, still unwatched, hang in the balance as I do everything I can to save it.  The box freezes when it's booting and I'm afraid that the hard drive is the culprit, which would mean bad, bad things for my recorded TV viewing future.

I hardly ever watch shows in real time anymore (the few times I do, I still try and use the remote to fast forward through commercials...) and keep a stash of (mostly mindless) shows on hand to give myself something to relax to, ya know?

Wondering what you'd find on my DVR?

• A few episodes of Extreme Makeover:  Weightloss Edition (I love me some Chris Powell!)
• Under the Dome (I read the book and am mildly disappointed in the series so far)
• Inkmaster (because there's nothing better than adults acting badly AND showing off some mad tattooing skills in front of a camera)
• Whodunnit?  (eh... probably not worth the time)
• Bar Rescue (getting tired of this one... but there's a part of me drawn to seeing how incredibly messed up some of these bars are)

A few other shows are on there, but nothing that's in the least bit interesting for me to tell you about (what? Dancing With The Stars?  Me?? Of course not!!).

I'm a techy type (at least that's what I've been getting paid to do for the last 20 years), so I'm going to give resurrecting this device my best shot before calling ATT and talking to someone from India who doesn't know anything about anything.  Right now I'm letting the box rest.  Sometimes it just needs a good night's sleep.  I hope.

And that's my Friday night.  Excitement abounds.  I know you're jealous.

(and no, this has absolutely nothing to do with LE.  Deal with it...)

5 Whys

The other day we had an assignment:  answer the question "Why are you doing Lean Eating?"  Easy, right?  I've probably written at least a few blog posts on this question already.

But - not done yet.  Follow up that first "why" with another 4 "whys".  That's when it gets a little more interesting.

An example, using my furry monsters:

Why did you get another dog?
--> Because I thought Belle would like a brother.

Why did I think Belle would want a brother?
--> So she would have someone to play with. 

And why does she need someone to play with?
--> Because I love the thrill of keeping two 70-pound dogs from taking out my TV while wrestling with each other when my back is turned or I have to (god forbid!) pee.

And then on for another couple of whys.  You get the idea.

When doing it for real -- the whole why LE question -- it took me awhile to come up with an answer that satisfied me.  I kept going in the wrong direction, or ending up somewhere that didn't really feel like me.  So, I doggedly kept at it, working it around until it rang true.

And without further ado, here it is:

Why did I decide to join the Lean Eating program?
--> To lose weight and regain my strength.

Why do I want to lose weight and regain strength?

--> Because that will make it easier and more fun to be more active.

Why do I want to be more active?

--> Because being more active will get me in better shape.

Why do I want to get in better shape?

--> Because I want to have the body of an athlete.

And why do I want to have the body of an athlete?

--> Because having the body of an athlete will remove the awful sense of dissonance that I walk around with right now -- I think of myself as an athlete, but certainly don't look like one, and I kinda hate that.  I want that identity back!

I've always been an athlete in various stages of being in (or out of) shape, but this is as far away as I've been from looking like it on the outside.  And that's just not who I am. I want people to actually believe that I've done marathons and such without raised eyebrows and an "oh really?  I never would have guessed...".

Accountable

Over the weekend, the large group of Coach V's girls were separated into small accountability groups.  My group has about 10 ladies in it and we hang out in a Google+ community, which has turned out to be a pretty great way to be able to connect.

Tonight we had our first meet-and-greet using Google+ Hangouts and it was definitely cool.  It's one thing to get to know people through their postings and a whole 'nother thing to see people and really feel like there's a human being on the other end of the line. It adds an entirely new dimension to the relationships.

We talked for almost an hour, doing introductions and talking about what we thought of the program so far.  It struck me, about 15 minutes in, that these women -- there were 4 of us, plus our mentor on the call -- are the ones that I'll be spending the next year with. As much as I know that I can count on my friends and family to be there for me, after awhile I'm guessing they'll get a little annoyed with me constantly talking about it (you triathletes out there know what I'm talking about!).

On the other hand, my LE peeps will have my back.  They'll also have a complete understanding about what I'm going through, and that'll be more valuable than anything else.  I believe this accountability group will be the lynch pin to my success.

A tangent:  Google+ Hangouts are way cool!  It was a little laggy sometimes, but overall, for a free tool, it was pretty awesome.  Of course, I love all things Google, so I might be a little biased (and no, they don't pay me for all the nice things I say about them).

Back to the group.  We'll meet on a scheduled every other week basis, with as many impromptu get togethers as we want.  We're a geographically diverse group (though mainly all from the Midwest), but I get the feeling that some of these women will end up being really good friends by the time we're done with this.

And you know what?  That's a great feeling.

Meta post

My supervisors

What can I say -- yes, it's a blog post about my blog posting.

I've had more than a couple of blogs in the last few years and without exception, I started out all gung-ho and 2-3 weeks later I'd miss a posting... maybe two... and then POOF! it was an abandoned bloggy ghost town.

This blog, though, has gone further than any other I've started and my goal is to post every day for the 365 days that I'm part of the Precision Nutrition Lean Eating program.  Aren't you excited? A little bit of me every day!

Following the PN tenets, though, I'm giving myself permission to do the following things:  

• make entries short... not only does this help me out, but I'm thinking of you too!  Who really wants to read 3,000 words a day about this stuff?
• not have to obsessively edit each entry... this is the one area of my life that I'm incredibly type "A" -- I want everything to be absolutely perfect
• not have to recreate the wisdom of the great American novel or the hilarity of an SNL sketch each time out... basically, this is an online journal for me and while I want it to be entertaining, I also don't want to have to slave over my computer for 4 hours every night.  Get over it.

Essentially, I am giving myself the permission to be imperfect, knowing that it's a true reflection of the person I am today.

Now you know what to expect from me and feel free to give me hell if I start missing entries.  Of course, I'll say that the dog ate my homework (and knowing my monsters, that might actually be true), just so you know.

In the beginning

This isn't my first weight-loss, get-in-shape rodeo.  While I haven't done many of the more trendy diets (South Beach, no carbs, grapefruit diet, etc), in the past I've been successful with simply tracking food and exercise and eating whole, healthy foods. Pretty straightforward, right?

Of course, this time around that wasn't working for me.  It's a method that requires a certain amount of willpower and single-minded dedication and I just didn't have it in me (the siren calls of pizza and ice cream and cookies were too irresistible to ignore!).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm confident in my knowledge of nutrition and training -- I've gotten myself lean and in shape and have even helped others as well.  But going into the Lean Eating program, I promised myself one thing:  I would approach it with a beginner's mind, as if I didn't know a damn thing about anything.

I wouldn't make assumptions, or think that my way was better (clearly, it wasn't). I decided that since I was paying someone else monthly that I'd let them do the thinking for me.  Do what I'm told and do it to the best of my ability. No questioning, no whining, no second-guessing.

Sometimes it's hard.  Take the fish oil, for example: I've been doing this for over 3 weeks now and while it's easy and I do it every day, I don't feel any different.  Part of my brain is going, "... and why am I still doing this??" and calculating the money I could save by not having to buy it at all.

At which point, I start telling that part of my brain to shut up.

(The whole thing is pretty comical if you happen to catch me in the act!  I think the dogs even laugh at me... of course, that wouldn't be the only thing they laugh at me for)

Anyway - I'm going into this with an open mind, ready to learn, ready to change.  And ready for that boundlessness, limitlessness and infinite wealth.

Sunday Funday: Week 3 Review

Another week in the books!  And look at all those green checks/gold stars!  I'm racking them up, even though things have gotten a little more difficult.

So - the roundup for the week:

Measurements
Another measurement Saturday has come and gone.  Again - just scale and tape measure.  And the only movement I'm seeing is up -- on the scale, at least.  Measurements have mostly stayed the same. I'm not too worried about this, though, since mother nature has wrecked havoc with my hormones this week.  Nothing better than having to do measurements while feeling like I'm bloated up to the size of the Goodyear Blimp.

Workouts
Go, me!  Hit every one and am enjoying them.  I've got that smallest flicker of who I used to be emerging -- the person that likes working out, likes getting sweaty, likes feeling sore the next day.  I think that how I've been eased into it has really made the difference.

Habits
The new habit for the week was start eating more slowly.  Talk about a challenge! I've spent so much of my life thinking of eating as something to "win" at that this requires a whole bunch of concentration to accomplish.  A few things I noticed over the week:  food that I thought that I liked, once I slowed down and really tasted it, I wasn't so thrilled with it (Trader Joe's Reduced Guilt Mac 'n' Cheese, I'm looking at you).  Also, just like they say, the slower I eat, the fuller I get, the less I eat.  I can see why this is one of PN's cornerstone habits.

Overall, it was a good, if slightly frustrating, week.  I'm getting better at being mindful of how quickly or slowly I'm shoveling food in my mouth, which is a big success.  And I think of workouts as something that have to get done instead of something to do only if I feel like it.  Progress has been slow, but I'm giving myself over to the process. Habits, workouts, assignments, DONE.

Row row row your... Concept 2?

Excitement abounds:  we were assigned an interval workout for today!

I've always been a bit of an odd duck because interval training has always been my idea of fun.  There's something about the "go really really fast and then go really really slow" rhythm that makes me smile.

I opted to get on my rowing machine for the training (it's gone unused enough that sometimes I hear it crying in the basement from loneliness).  We were assigned one paltry interval -- 15 seconds of work and 45 seconds of rest -- but I did 5.  I figured I was already there and doing it, so I might as well toss a few more in, just for kicks.  I'm an overachiever like that. 

A number of years back I discovered Tabata workouts -- sprint for 20 seconds, rest 10 seconds, repeat at least 8 times -- and was amazed that all the research said that 4 minutes of workout could be just as effective as a long workout.  I mean, really?  A 4-minute training session? That's nothing!  Sounds like the easiest workout ever!

Until you do it, of course.  The first 3 intervals go by and your brain is still thinking, "I got this, no problem...". During the 4th and 5th intervals, you start to hear alarms going off in your brain, and once you get through the 6th, you're just hoping to pass out soon because that would be preferable to the pain you're currently in.

I love how this training protocol can you leave you absolutely decimated -- there's something a little masochistic about it.  And you can do it with anything:  running, biking, rowing, squats, burpees, pushups, crunches!  Versatile and take-anywhere!  I'm starting to sound like an infomercial!

For those who haven't ever done it, I know you're mocking me in your head right now.  So, go ahead.  Try it. I'll wait. And then report back.  I promise I won't say "I told you so".  

Well, I won't say it too loudly, at least.

And don't worry, you'll be on the ground, breathing so hard you won't notice, anyway.

Habit forming

So, a little more about the PN theory on habits (and not nun-type habits, either).

Every two weeks, a new habit appears on my home page.  Now, what's nice about having two weeks per habit is how it's divided up -- the first week is all about kind of easing into things. I start with being mindful of what I'm trying to accomplish and then practice and experiment with different ways of getting it done.

With the fish oil, the first week was all about finding the right product, figuring out the best time to take it and determining what made it easiest to adhere to the habit.  The current habit -- slow eating -- requires testing out different strategies of slowing down and even just remembering that I'm supposed to be doing it (I'm getting old...remembering is always the hardest part).

And then the second week I try to move from "figuring it out" to implementation. Get my plan in gear and work it, baby!  During those last 7 days, the focus has to be on getting everything down pat so that when I get the next new habit, this one is easy peasy and doesn't require one bit of thought (I'm bad with "thought", too). 

Right now it's quite manageable -- one old habit and one new habit -- but it's occurred to me that in 52 weeks I'll have 26 habits to remember!  Yikes.  Of course, by then I'll be a mean Lean Eating machine and I'll have an entire healthy lifestyle on autopilot.  No remembering, no thought, just me wondering why the hell I take so much fish oil and why it takes me 5 hours to eat.  Or something like that.

Random Thought Thursday

Random Thought #1:  I've really been enjoying working out 4-5 days a week.  I absolutely crave structure and having someone else lay out the workouts and make me accountable for doing them really helps.

RT#2:  One of my dogs managed to slip by me and outside to chase down a bunny, so I got my cardio workout for the day!  Once she lost sight of the bunny, she found me and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary.

RT#3:  Eating dinner with a friend is the best way for me to slow down.  I talk and kind of forget about stuffing my piehole with food.

RT#4:  When I complete all my assignments for the day and that little green checkmark flies to the right hand side of my home page to join all the others in my happy compliance section, I get warm fuzzy feelings.

RT#5:  I'm really happy that football season is finally about here.  And I'll be ecstatic once college basketball starts! I'm such a sports nut.

RT#6:  I really need a haircut!  If it gets any longer, it's going to start looking like a mullet. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

RT#7:  It's good that my home owners association only allows me to have two dogs because otherwise I'm pretty damn sure I'd be Crazy Dog Lady.

RT#8:  For the first time in awhile, I'm excited about the future.  I know that the Lean Eating program is going to work for me.  I feel it in my bones.

RT#9:  I saw Despicable Me 2 and thought it was the best movie I've seen in a long time. Give me little yellow minions any day over real life stuff.

RT#10:  I had a Reese's Klondike bar.  I ate it slowly, though! So that's okay, right?

Tattletale

Yes, I have a little tattletale that follows me around all day, telling me how active I've

been and whether or not I need to get my butt off the couch. It's my Fitbit One. It pulls no punches and tells no lies (except if I forget to have it on me!).  I'm glad it doesn't actually have the ability to speak because I'm sure it'd be throwing insults like "hey lazy!  yea, you, sloth! get off your butt!" at me all the time (which would be embarrassing, I'd think).

Before I got it, I thought I was at least somewhat active. That the little bit that I walked around the office constituted some sort of activity level.  Um, yea.  No. Definitely no.  My office is so small and my getting off my duff so infrequent that I'm lucky if I leave the office with having gone a total of 2000 steps, which is about a mile or so.

To give you a sense of scale, Fitbit tells you to shoot for 10,000 steps a day. 10,000! That's about 5 miles, give or take and I've barely finished 20% of that by the time I get home from work. That's a little pathetic, don't you think? And I'll tell ya - hitting the other 80% after a long work day?  Not gonna happen.

But I will say that since getting this little tattletale gadget, I'm much more mindful of how much (or how little) I'm moving.  I know that during the week, I shoot for 5000-6000 steps -- just because my job is so sedentary, that's about what I can hit without starting to walk/run miles after work.  On the weekends, my goal is 10,000+ steps, which I can usually do without too much trouble as long as the weather cooperates with me being able to walk the dogs.

I wasn't sure I'd like it, but as it turns out, it's just another tool to keep me mindful of my health and body.  And being mindful?  Well, that's half the battle, as I'm finding out.

A little better, every day

So, the whole eating slowly thing?  Yea, it's far more of a challenge than the fish oil habit.

The fish oil was easy -- it was a completely new habit; I simply had to remember to take the stuff.  But eating slowly forces me to modify habits that have been ingrained in me since about the beginning of time.

Growing up, I was the middle child with an older brother and (because I'm a middle child) I'm going to pin all the blame on him.  See, he had that "hollow leg" syndrome that most teenage boys have -- the ability to eat and eat and eat and never be full.  Dinner became a race and if you weren't fast enough you might not get your share.  And I really (REALLY!) like to win (ahem!).  So I spent my formative years honing my speed-eating skills. All his fault, yep it was.

This habit has been hard to break as an adult, but today I think I made some progress.  I decided to start small.  Chew my food and no putting another bite on the fork until my mouth was completely empty.  I really had absolutely no idea that I consistently have a forkful of food queued up for my mouth long before I've even swallowed the current bite! Just shovel it in, Laura.  So, this little bit of waiting slowed me down a good deal, and I noticed a difference with how full I was getting.  Will wonders ever cease?

That's what this program is all about, though -- just getting a little bit better every day. There's no need to take on the whole world and make everything perfect.  

Now that's something to chew on.

Things just got tough

It's New Habit Monday!

The fish oil and probiotics stay in my bag of tricks, but it's time to add something new. And I'll tell ya, that something new isn't going to be easy -- we are tackling "eating slow". Huh. Yea, I'm gonna have a problem with this one.

And first day, I've already flunked the new habit.  Work was stressful and chaotic -- I barely took time to eat, and certainly didn't register the food going down.  Once I got home, I got my workout done, but then the CFO of the company called me and so I've been working ever since.  Dinner?  I inhaled some chips and a piece of homemade pie that my Mom left for me (YUM!) and it wasn't until I had nothing but crumbs left that I even realized that not only did I eat at warp speed, but I didn't really even notice the food (such a shame because that peach pie is to die for!).

So - this will be a challenge for me.  PN suggests putting reminders everywhere -- having your phone and computer pop up reminders every hour or so, putting post-in notes in the kitchen and stuff like that. I ought to tattoo the idea on my arms. Also - a good idea from one of my peers - eating left-handed! Of course, I'm pretty ambidextrous when eating chips, but with everything else that'll really help.

Pressed for time tonight -- need to get back to work -- and need to get to bed -- but figured I ought to 'fess up while I had a minute... and tomorrow I'll get right back at it. 

Sunday Funday: Week 2 Review

Clarke and Belle resting on rest day

Rest day! It's an absolutely gorgeous day outside, though, so I'll shortly be waking up the dogs from their morning naps and taking them out for a walk. Need to take full advantage of this sunny, 70 degree day before it's either 100 degrees out or 0 degrees and snowing.

Now I've got two weeks in the books.  And - like I've been saying - it's easy so far. The idea of changing just one thing at a time, concentrating on adding just one new habit every two weeks, still seems like cheating, but I promised that I would do whatever my Coach said. It's not like what I was trying to do was working, right?

This week finishes up two weeks of the habit of taking fish oil and probiotics every day.  I'm still not entirely used to the sheer amount of fish oil that we're supposed to take in, but at least it's become a habit that I don't think a whole lot about (hey! look at that! A method to the madness, eh?).  I'll be happy, though, when we cut the dosage in half in a few weeks. Until then, I wonder if all the fish oil has made me a better swimmer??

And - also - two weeks of workouts in the books.  I haven't missed one yet! (gold star for me!) Next week starts kicking up the number of rounds of each circuit, so this is going to start resembling a normal-length strength training workout.  There's also a stretching/foam roller component to all this, which is smart, in my very humble opinion.  I've been a proponent of the evil foam roller for years now, having made it my before-bed ritual awhile ago. Somehow the interminable pain of the roller seems to ease pain during the rest of my life, which isn't a bad trade-off, I suppose (though don't try to convince me of this when I'm in the middle of rolling out my ITB or lats!).

Two weeks down.  50 plus the rest of my life to go!

A "nothing special" kind of day

I like these kinds of days, when I have things to do but nothing really scheduled. In my LE world, it was a measurement Saturday -- scale and tape measure -- and as you'd suspect, nothing much really changed (apparently the $100/month only buys me so much).  I've only just started making small changes in my food choices, and not enough to impact anything in a meaningful way.  And that's fine - it'll come.

It was a good morning; got up early, took my measurements, walked the dogs, got my workout from Thursday done (I had a very weird vertigo-like thing going on Thursday, so I opted to move it to this morning), went shopping, went to the bank, did my food prep for the week, cleaned and hosed down the dog cages, vacuumed up dog hair, walked the dogs again, made some dinner, took one dog to get his nails clipped, did some more shopping and even made some time to just hang out with the pups and nap with them a little.

(you know, when I write it out like that I realize how much dang time and energy my dogs require!  They're lucky they are so stinkin' cute...)

Now, I'm in front of the TV, winding down for the night, knocking out this blog entry. This kind of productive yet relaxing day makes me feel good about everything. Somehow it even helps me make healthier choices, too.  It's hard to explain, but it's almost like when I'm taking control of my life and getting things done, why would I even want to mess with doing stuff that I know doesn't support my long term goals? 

"It's summertime and the living is easy..."

Little victories

Sometimes it's the little things that make a difference, right?  I mean, the LE program is built upon that premise -- that's why we take on only one new habit every 2 weeks.  Small changes done consistently can bring about big transformations.

This morning I woke up absolutely FAMISHED. My stomach was growling so loudly that even the dogs were kept from getting their last 20 minutes of sleep before I forced them outside for a walk. And what was I famished for?  Donuts. Doooonnnuuuuuuts.  MMMM.

I thought about the donuts while showering.  I imagined the chocolate frosting while getting dressed.  I walked the dogs and had visions of sprinkles dancing in my head.

Now, my usual modus operandi would be to swing in to the oasis off I-80/294 and take a run through the Mobil gas station to hit up their donuts.  But today?  I thought about how I knew I'd be weighing in on Saturday.  I thought about how I didn't need it.  I thought about how it didn't support my long term goals.  And amazingly, I drove right on by.  Go, me!

And a second small victory today:  I had made plans to go shopping with my Mom after work.  I told her I'd be around after going home to take care of the dogs, figuring that I'd just put my workout off until I got home afterwards.  Yea, right.  When was the last time I actually followed through on that kind of plan?  Let's just say there's a lot of calendar between then and now.

Right then I decided -- rather uncharacteristically, I'll add -- that I was instead going to be the type of person who made time for workouts. Different concept, eh?  I emailed my Mom, told her I'd be around a little bit later, and sneaked in the workout in between work and shopping. Again - go, me!

Thing is, I used to be that type of person.  The one who annoyed my friends because I always made plans around my workouts and training runs. I ran 4-5 days a week, rode my bike a few times a week, strength trained a few times a week.  And didn't think twice about it - it was just what I did.  All I know is, I want that back. 

And now, I'm confident I'll be that girl once again.  It'll take a little time and a string of these small victories over the course of the next year, but I'll get there.

You're on candid camera!

So, on Saturday the coaches and mentors held two GoToMeeting sessions.  The first was about the measurements we were having done and the second was a discussion/introduction on how to use the forums.

In my professional life, I use GTM sessions a lot, so I felt pretty at ease connecting up and joining the meeting.  I figured it would be how it usually is: connect up, join the crowd of people already there, and just listen in while someone leads the meeting and goes through a PowerPoint slide set.  Let's just say I was a little wrong.

So, I jump into the measurements meeting and whoa! there are 4 people staring back at me!  Well, not really since I didn't have a webcam on, but they're looking at the black box that represents me.  And Coach V. is all like, "turn on your webcam so we can see you!". Um, yea, I wasn't really prepared at all for this. Like, not even one little itty bit.

Not being able to think quickly enough to either lie about having a webcam or create a reason for not hopping in, I set about getting my previously-unused webcam turned on. Finally I appeared on-screen. Oog. Yup, I was really regretting the decision to skip my usual morning shower.

Initially - awkward.  I felt all kinda weird and exposed.  But then - something happened.  I relaxed, I started talking and all of a sudden it felt more like a conversation among new friends rather than a slightly bizarre techno talking heads meeting. Being able to see everyone really makes a difference; since I spend so much of my life on the computer sometimes I forget basic things, like, it's easier to read someone when you can see their face.  Duh.

I find myself a little surprised to honestly say that I'm looking forward to more of these meetings!  There are a ton of people in our Coach V. group, but this is an avenue to getting to know some of them on a deeper level than just reading their forum posts.

And now I've learned my lesson and know better:  no bedhead!