Clarke the calorie counter

Clarke trying to hide under the bed
and not quite succeeding...

He looks completely innocent, doesn't he?

Clarke probably thought he was doing me a favor: as I rushed to get my storm-hating dog Belle out for a quick walk before the rain hit, Clarke got out of his cage (I had not locked it down like I should have) and helped himself to half of my Jimmy Johns roast beef sandwich.

As soon as I walked back in the house, he looked at me and went directly to his cage.  He knew.

I had been out running some errands and let myself get really hungry, which is why I opted to pick up Jimmy Johns -- I just didn't feel like cooking up something once I got home. In the back of the mind, I knew I'd have to be careful, though -- be mindful to not inhale it just because I hadn't eaten in 6 hours or so and my stomach felt like it was starting to digest itself.

But I was looking forward to the challenge of being in a position of having to really eat slowly and pay attention! Bring it on!

Clarke, on the other hand, probably thought I wasn't up for it and took it upon himself to help me out. He's always looking out for me like that.  And he did leave me all the vegetables, so there's that.  Oh, and about half a sandwich worth of meat and cheese. 

Clarke did portion control for me.  Gooood doooog.  If only I could teach him to do laundry and take out the garbage...

Easy way out

After a long day of network troubleshooting (both work and personal), my brain is mush. So, I'm taking the easy way out today and just posting a link to a TEDblog article that discusses why it's so difficult to lose weight and keep it off.  Essentially, your brain doesn't want you to.  Perhaps you should go read it to fill in the blanks from my 6-word cliffnotes summary.

I thought it was really interesting how this article reinforces the critical nature of the two most important LE habits: eating slowly and stopping before you're completely full. These two habits are part of what this researcher touts as the only way to really keep off weight because otherwise, it takes too much willpower, which is in short supply.

Really, willpower sucks.  Since it's such a limited resource, instead you need to learn to rely on listening to your body -- eating mindfully, she calls it.  Sound familiar? 

So - seriously - go read it.  You'll be happy you did.

Smart chocolate

Actual wrapper!

I've got a Dove chocolate wrapper saying that I keep posted:  Be fearless. Chocolate's pretty wise, eh?

So simple, yet not at all easy.  

Today's assignment got us thinking about the fears that keep us from doing the things we want and those that stand in the way of our goals. Peeling back the layers of the fear -- starting at the superficial fears and working down towards the deep-seated, I-hope-no-one-finds-out fears -- is one way to get to the core of what it is you're scared of and then figuring out how to push through it.

For me, I'm the queen of self-sabotage.  Diet going well?  Losing weight, feeling great? Well, then, it's about time to stop training and go out and get a dozen donuts!

It took me a long time to realize that this was something I was inflicting on myself instead of something that "just happened", silly as that sounds.  And it stemmed from one very base fear that I have:  the fear of failure. When things start moving in the right direction, there's a part of me that's quite sure that I won't be able to keep it up and I figure I might as well end the streak on my own terms.  I don't want to give it my best effort, fail and then have to admit to myself and the world that my best effort wasn't good enough.

Makes sense, right?

Having put words to this takes away some of its power.  Doesn't make it easier to combat, but -- ironically -- makes me more inclined to work hard so that no one thinks that I just threw the opportunity away (the power of what other people might think!).

Think about all the things you'd do if you weren't afraid! Figure that out and then go do it anyway.

(I sound like a motivation poster, don't I?)

A little discomfort

Yesterday's assignment talked about being uncomfortable.  Not wedgie-in-your-butt uncomfortable (though that ranks right up there!), but the discomfort that comes when you do something that's new or unfamiliar.  You're a little on edge, a touch anxious, a bit worried ... you know what I'm talking about.

Now, for me this has taken a couple of different forms since I've started Lean Eating, but probably the most prevalent has been trying to teach myself to be okay with being hungry. Notice the hunger, but don't react to it.  

I always bought into the raw science of calories in/calories out as a diet plan, but limiting calories had proven problematic for me.  So, I did the next best thing:  for a number of years I simply out-trained my bad eating. But once I stopped with the training, I had nothing going for me to negate my embarrassingly awful nutritional bad habits. Which brings me here -- writing a daily blog about the results of those habits.

One of the side effects of my over-eating is that I'm not used to be hungry.  I just never allow it to happen.  I don't *like* being hungry (who does?). It's uncomfortable and a little disconcerting, to tell you the truth.  

But now I need to leave my proverbial comfort zone and start to become friends with hunger. If I know that I've eaten what I should and fueled myself appropriately, then I don't need to automatically make the hunger go away. Instead I should welcome the hunger in, give it a nice pillow and blanket and invite it to stay awhile.  Understand that it's not a bad thing -- it's only negative if I choose to see it that way -- and what it really means is that my body is working properly and sending me the right signals to help me determine what it needs.

I make it sound easy, don't I?  Of course, it isn't (hunger isn't always the best house guest, as I'm finding out). But if I intend to make any progress (and I do!), I'll have to keep working at this. I've got to get to where that magic happens!

Feeling better now, thanks.

Today wasn't the best day ever.  It was a Monday, in every sense of the word.

Work was chaotic and I ended up staying much later than I intended.  After finally getting home, I had a paper to edit, dogs to feed and walk, me to feed and then a Google Hangout with my Lean Eating buds.

Because I was feeling stressed and pressed for time, I ate while editing.  With a lot of awareness, I shoveled in chips and guacamole and a sandwich without even tasting it.  And you know what?  I couldn't have cared less.  I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway because it would have been hard to do things the right way and I just didn't feel like it.  I fell into the whole "it was a bad day and I deserve to eat whatever I want" trap.

So, it was coming up on 7pm -- time for my Google Hangout/accountability meeting -- and I was not only feeling stuffed and cruddy, but guilty on top of that.  I thought about not getting online for the meeting because I'd either have to lie about my day or 'fess up and I really hate admitting to people when I've failed.

The old me would have made an excuse not to go.  The new me -- despite also being the new me that still had tortilla chip dust on my fingers -- decided that I needed the meeting.  And you know what?  Talking to the other women, telling them about my day and the choices I made... it was good.  It felt like by getting it out in the open, it no longer had the power to weigh me down.  Confession is good for the soul (or, at least that's what my Catholic upbringing pounded into me).

It happened, and I wish I could have acted differently, but these moments are a part of life and really, my success will depend on being able to shrug them off and get right back at it. As my mentor said, if everything were always perfect, you'd never learn.  It's the mistakes and the tangents and bumps in the road that teach the lessons that will stick with you.

So, I'll wipe off the tortilla chip dust and pick myself back up and make better choices next time.  Because there's always another chance to make a good decision, right?

Sunday Funday: Week 5 Review

Five weeks into the program -- about 10% done! -- and I feel like things are just starting to click into place for me. Late this week, I finally had enough of feeling like I was "gaming the system" by eating crap but just eating it slowly and not being over-stuffed ("I'm following the rules!").  Made the decision to stay away from the crappiest of the crap -- the low-hanging chocolate bars, so to speak -- and concentrate on putting more whole foods into my body.

And that's sparked a renaissance of sorts for me -- it's like I flipped a switch and all of a sudden eating pizza and candy and ice cream isn't who I am.  Aha!  It's that whole "identity" thing creeping up on me, methinks!  I don't suspect that I'm cured now, but this mindset will make it easier to git'r'done.  I'm happy to report that I did all my grocery shopping for the week and I managed to steer clear of most of the treats that I usually buy for myself.

With that, here's a rundown of my week:

Measurements:
Finally some progress!  Weight is remaining pretty stubborn, but the more-important measurements are improving.  his makes me pretty dang happy.  It's not much, but it's enough to keep me plugging away at this.

Workouts:
This is still going well. Training is part of my identity, so when I wasn't doing it, I felt like a fraud.  It feels great to be hitting it 5x/week.  From now until the end of time (well, the end of Precision Nutrition time, I suppose), the weekly template will be 3 strength sessions, 2 interval sessions, 1 active recovery day and 1 rest day.  Totally doable.  And I can't wait to start increasing my run distance/pace, too -- I'm not yet feeling like a runner, but I certainly *am* a runner.

Habits:
This week was the introduction of the second cornerstone habit:  to stop eating when I'm 80% full. I've struggled to wrap my mind around this one.  I mean, what's 80%?  How do you measure that?  For my black and white mathematical brain, this proved a challenge. What turned this around for me was learning to use the hunger scale instead -- a 1 to 10 scale of hunger, where you eat when you're around a 2-3 and stop eating when you're at a level 7-8.  For whatever reason, this was much easier for me to grasp.  Since implementing this, I think I've made good progress with this habit though it's still very much a work in progress.

The problem with having a dog and only eating until 80% full

Habit Log:
Weeks 1-2: Fish oil and probiotic
Weeks 3-4: Eating slowly

Week 5:  Stop eating at 80% full

Gold star!

Today was another measurement day -- the fifth one so far -- and finally (finally!) I'm starting to see some movement in the downward direction.

Not much, mind you, but enough to tell me that the changes I've made this week are making a difference.  My weight is down almost a pound (though I'm still a touch above where I started), but my measurements are down almost 2". That's an accomplishment I can hang my hat on! Not that I know how you can hang a hat on an accomplishment, but let's not nitpick.

Lean Eating website in the background! I'm so dedicated...

This morning after taking all my measurements, I was rummaging through one of my drawers and found this bracelet that my awesome sister bought for me a few years ago.  After a few months of not wearing it, it was perfect timing (or fate?) that I found it today. It says "Celebrate Small Victories" -- so true!  I need to make sure that I take the time to do a little happy dance and tell myself that I'm totally awesome when I see progress. Like I was saying yesterday, it's all about consistently making good choices. And it's not surprising that good results make me want to create MORE good results. Which should lead to all sorts of happy dances. Funny how that works.

I've said it before:  I'm all about the gold stars. They make me want to do good and be better.  The one part I have to work on, though, is not waiting for someone else to stick them on me -- I've got to learn to give myself those gold stars.  The self-pat on the back is what it's all about.

Every french fry is an opportunity in disguise

I read this nugget of wisdom in the forums awhile back (I'm paraphrasing because I can't find the original posting and my memory doesn't totally work anymore):

Every meal is an opportunity to reach your goal.

In the past when I've been trying to drop some weight, there's a lot of "well, one dinner doesn't matter" and "just tonight I'll eat the entire pint of ice cream".  I fail to see any single meal as significant.

And this is true and yet oh so false.  Like, sneaky-devil-on-my shoulder-whispering-in-my-ear false.

Of course, it's true in the obvious sense:  one meal will not guarantee either total success or total failure on this journey. There's always room for compromise and food that's not necessarily on the "healthy" list.  And, I'd be Ms. Cranky Pants if you told me that I could never again eat pizza or chocolate again, for example.

But believing that no single meal is significant can lead me down a rabbit hole of bad choices. It's a slippery slope -- one binge almost always leads me to another.  It's like that first string of bad choices are my gateway drug into a world of indiscriminate cookie, candy and ice cream inhalation.

The lesson for me is that on a consistent basis I have to view every single meal as an opportunity -- and by consistently taking advantage of all of these opportunities, I can craft an identity and lifestyle that supports a new, healthy me.  You know, that athlete that I want be again.

Every goal is reached by collecting a bunch of good choices and hard work and putting it together like pieces of a puzzle, each a stepping stone.

Notes

Just a few random notes because I'm a little pressed for time:

1. This week we are now doing 3 sets of all the strength exercises.  I appreciate the extra work, but it's starting to bore me a little.  I'm happy that the routine will be switched up in another 2 weeks.
2. I was unable to resurrect my DVR box from the dead, but the interaction with AT&T to get a new one was surprisingly painless!  Got the new one in a day and it's up and running with no issue. Of course, I lost all my recordings (boo!), but it kept all my settings so I don't have to set all my programs back up again.  
3. Awareness takes a lot of mental work.  Just saying.
4. My back is feeling pretty dang good.  It's sore and bruised, but not feeling fragile like it had been, if you know what I mean.  Did strength training today with no modifications and no pain!
5. The dogs are at doggy day care and I'm selfishly leaving them there a little longer to get a few things done around the house without canine "assistance".  Does that make me a bad doggie mom?
6. I've had two (mostly) sugar-free days.  Recently I've been fiercely craving chocolate and all things sugary, so this is small victory for me.  Of course, sugar-free does not (yet) include giving up my morning Diet Pepsi.
7. I'm surprised at how much of the Lean Eating program is mental and emotional work rather than just following a diet and exercise program.  In some ways this is easier (I'm still enjoying my Diet Pepsi!), but in other ways, it's much harder.  I'm good at burying things and am thinking that there might be an exhumation somewhere along the way.

80%

Okay, so the 80% thing is weird.  That's the best way I can find to explain it. 

I've always known that I had a tendency towards emotional eating, but I didn't realize how much I equated being filled with being fulfilled.  It's hard to stop at 80%, just short of what's always felt satisfying.  It's like not quite being able to reach that mosquito bite that's smack dab in the middle of your back.

Another challenge for me is that if I skip meals (mostly breakfast or lunch), a migraine is a distinct possibility.  So, I have a second equation that resides in my brain:  hunger = migraine.  I start to get hungry and alarm bells start going off in my head:  EAT FOOD! EAT FOOD!  Of course, I can be hungry without getting a migraine but I don't let that little fact get in the way of shoveling the food into my mouth when that's what I want to do.

I need two different strategies to mitigate these two very different situations.  For the first, I need to figure out how to divorce feelings and emotion from eating.  Make eating something that's all about fueling my body and enjoying the food and stop allowing food to provide comfort, because that's just an illusion anyway.

For the migraine situation, I need to tune in to what my body is telling me and know that every hunger pang doesn't mean that a migraine is inevitable.  It's looking at the situation logically and trust that as long as I'm not skipping meals or drastically cutting calories that any headache I get isn't linked to a lack of food.  

Trolling the PN discussion forums, someone posted the following link, and the article has given me some more insight on the whole 80% thing.  Basically, stopping at 80% really is like stopping at 100%.  Huh?  Because it takes 20 minutes for the stomach to get the signal to your brain that it's full, if you stop at 80%, you'll usually find that 80% is 100% in disguise.

A couple of graphics that have also been posted show hunger on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being starving and 10 being overstuffed (a.k.a "Did I really just eat that whole pizza?"). I want to learn to eat when my hunger level is at about a 2-3 ... don't get too hungry, but also make sure that I'm actually hungry before eating.  The flip side of that is to stop eating when I'm at about a 7 or 8, knowing that 9 and 10 are really uncomfortable and will cause me regret and an evening of sitting on the couch, moaning all night about how I can no longer button my jeans.

All easier said than done, but at least I've got something to work with now.

I look like I was attacked by an octopus

Through dumb luck, I had a massage scheduled for today -- perfect timing with my back still being pretty sore from the weekend.

My massage guy (I love having a guy that I can call "my massage guy"), after hearing about what was going on, suggested that I might benefit from some cupping therapy. "Huh?" I intelligently replied.  He explained that it involved using cups and suction to increase blood flow to the area which would encourage more healing.  Being the adventurous type, I told him to go for it.  He did mention that there might be some red spots or bruising, but that it depended on the individual.  Since I normally don't bruise easily, I didn't figure there would be much to show for it.

The process was uncomfortable, but didn't really hurt.  It felt more like my skin being pulled very taut and held that way for 10 minutes or so. I was happy to have the cups removed, but I could have stayed that way for quite awhile longer if I had to.  Afterwards, my guy followed with a normal deep tissue massage, concentrating on my lower back.

Well, here's the result (sorry for the bad picture -- it's a very difficult spot to take a picture of by yourself, and the dogs weren't being very helpful, either):

Um, yea. I look like I have a bunch of big ol' hickeys on my back!  And this picture doesn't really do a good job at showing how beat up I look, either. Oh, and there are 4 more big bruises that you can't see because I'm nice enough to save you from having to look at my bare butt.  You're welcome.

But you know what?  I think it must be some sort of voodoo black magic because my back feels AWESOME.  Like, it barely hurts anymore.  Maybe overnight it'll go back to being sore and cranky, but right now?  It feels pretty darn good.  Whodda thunk it, right?

It's a new habit Monday!

PN's visual representation of 80%

Remember all the way back to two weeks again when I said something silly like "Wow things are getting tough!" when we were told to eat slowly?

Well, I didn't mean it. NOW things are getting tough.

The new habit?  Stop eating when I'm 80% full.  What?  I can't top off the tank?  Eat until I'm not hungry any longer?  I'm not even sure I know how to do this.

This is our second "super habit" -- eating slowly and eating to 80% are the two cornerstone habits of the Lean Eating program.

PN suggests things like leaving a few bites of food on your plate or simply serving up smaller portion sizes. In theory, this should be easy.  In practice, I'm not entirely sure how to implement it, to be honest.  Smaller portion sizes seems straightforward, but what is smaller?  I don't know that I have a good enough sense of what my portion size normally is to make it 20% smaller.  

And leaving a few bites on my plate?  This seems logical, but my latent Catholic "you must clean your plate there are starving children in Africa" guilt makes that a challenge.  I've been very well trained to eat everything!  I hate wasting food, especially when it's something I've gone through the trouble of making.

What about when it's lunchtime and I'm not necessarily hungry (but have to eat because that's the one time I get to sit down for it)... what's 80% when I wasn't starving to begin with?  Or a small snack?  Do I eat one less slice of pepper or cucumber?

(do I sound a little stressed about this?)

So, right now I'm just concentrating on staying calm ... breathe... breathe... breathe... and trusting that there will be a ton more information on this topic in the next week which will give me some clear guidelines and the tools I need to be able to implement this habit.  I get the concept, but that's about where it ends.  Just gotta play with it, I suppose. Relax a little... understand that this isn't rocket science and -- once again -- trust the process.

Sunday Funday: Week 4 Review

My, how time flies when you're having fun, right?

Already have about a month in the books.  Amazing.  This week has been a little up and down, but I'm feeling good about everything.  Well - everything except every muscle in my body.  Between running for the first time in forever yesterday morning, and helping my brother move a very big, heavy and awkward desk, I'm in a world of hurt!  Good thing it's a rest day, because I'm walking around like an old woman.

This week also featured a bunch of really great reading and writing assignments focused on identity -- who I am and who I want to be -- and why I have the goals that I do.  Toss in some work on the behavioral vs. outcome goals and how best to accomplish them, and my brain got a workout in this week, too.

Also key -- we had our small accountability groups set up and had our first online meeting! It'll be great to get to know some of the ladies on more of an in-depth basis.  I'm hoping this group turns into one that I can count on for daily support.

Onto the wrap-up for the week...

Measurements:
I'm still pretty much status quo, which is a little frustrating, but not all that surprising especially since I'm fighting some hormonal battles.  It's still just scale and measurements (no more photos yet, thankfully!), and nothing much is budging, but I'm not panicking. Well, I'm not panicking too much, at least.

Workouts:
Training has been outstanding!  I'm not sure how it happened, but I went from reluctantly strength training maybe 1-2x/week to training 5 times a week and feeling great about it. Next week the strength training ramps up again, adding a third set to all the exercises, so that'll be challenging.  And as far as interval training goes, I'm already exceeding what I'm supposed to be doing and excited about it.


Habits:
I keep getting more and more mindful of eating slowly, despite not always adhering to the practice, and that's a big part of the battle for me.  A new habit will be introduced tomorrow, but eating slowly will be something that I'll continue to work on until I feel more comfortable with it and start doing it without having to concentrate so hard.

Habit Log:
Weeks 1-2:  Fish oil and probiotic
Weeks 3-4:  Eating slowly

(PS ... my DVR box is dead.  *sniff*)

Dreamin'

I woke up this morning still kind of halfway in the dream I was having.  In the dream, I was talking to a friend of mine who had asked if I were running the Chicago Marathon this year. I guffawed at the thought and told her "Hell NO!". After that, she brought up the idea of Chicago 2014, and dream-me found myself being talked into it (I cave easily to peer pressure, what can I say?) and thinking, "Yea, I could do that...".

Chicago 2011 Finisher

Whaaaat?  Let's just say, I was happy it was just a dream.

And then ... and then... (in real life)

...I thought, "why not?"

Back in what feels like a different life, I've done 4 marathons, the most recent being Chicago 2011. After that one (as after every other marathon I've done) I swore up and down that I'd never do one again. Never! And plus, this last one, I was finally satisfied with my results -- a 4:09 finish and I never once quit on the course -- and haven't really had an urge to do one since then.

This morning I had an interval workout to get in -- I had intended to do what I did last week and head downstairs to hit the rowing machine -- but dream-me kept poking at my brain.  I started thinking (I know, I know... I'm just asking for trouble):  one of the things that I want from this program is to feel like a runner again. I've been waiting to hit the pavement, though, because all the extra weight makes running uncomfortable.  It struck me, though -- you don't have to feel like a runner to be a runner.  And all it takes to be a runner is to go out and (surprise!) run.

So, I made a few slogging steps towards my goal and did my interval training out running. It hurt, it was hard, and I felt like a faux runner out there, but, indeed -- by definition -- I am once again a runner. And if I keep being a runner, I'll soon feel like a runner as well. Makes sense to me.

And Chicago Marathon 2014?  I've tucked that idea into the back of my head, letting it percolate and I'll see if it bubbles up again ... or if I'll come to my senses and do what dream-me was unable to do and just say no to marathons!  

Panic!

My DVR box is on the fritz.  All of my favorite shows, still unwatched, hang in the balance as I do everything I can to save it.  The box freezes when it's booting and I'm afraid that the hard drive is the culprit, which would mean bad, bad things for my recorded TV viewing future.

I hardly ever watch shows in real time anymore (the few times I do, I still try and use the remote to fast forward through commercials...) and keep a stash of (mostly mindless) shows on hand to give myself something to relax to, ya know?

Wondering what you'd find on my DVR?

• A few episodes of Extreme Makeover:  Weightloss Edition (I love me some Chris Powell!)
• Under the Dome (I read the book and am mildly disappointed in the series so far)
• Inkmaster (because there's nothing better than adults acting badly AND showing off some mad tattooing skills in front of a camera)
• Whodunnit?  (eh... probably not worth the time)
• Bar Rescue (getting tired of this one... but there's a part of me drawn to seeing how incredibly messed up some of these bars are)

A few other shows are on there, but nothing that's in the least bit interesting for me to tell you about (what? Dancing With The Stars?  Me?? Of course not!!).

I'm a techy type (at least that's what I've been getting paid to do for the last 20 years), so I'm going to give resurrecting this device my best shot before calling ATT and talking to someone from India who doesn't know anything about anything.  Right now I'm letting the box rest.  Sometimes it just needs a good night's sleep.  I hope.

And that's my Friday night.  Excitement abounds.  I know you're jealous.

(and no, this has absolutely nothing to do with LE.  Deal with it...)