Lessons from a Past Life

The merciless sun was beating down and sweat was pouring down my face. My feet were blocks of cement strapped to the stumps of my legs, and I wanted nothing more than to lay down on my back, smack dab in the middle of Michigan Avenue, hoping that I wouldn’t get run over. Instead, I just kept muttering an insipid Nike slogan to myself, “Don’t suck. Just do it.”.

Of course, I assume that I wasn’t the only person out there feeling that way: after all, it was mile 23 of the Chicago Marathon. It was perfect spectating weather -- mid 70’s and sunny -- which meant that it was not exactly great marathon weather (the sunburn I’d have at day’s end would attest to that fact).

But, let me start at the beginning. It was October 2011 and this was my fourth marathon, my third Chicago Marathon. After each marathon, I always swore that this would be the last. Really, the last one! Honest! But then, as the agony of the last marathon faded, it would be replaced by the angst of the unsettled score I had with the distance: the completion of a sub-4 hour marathon. And that's how I got to be in the middle of Michigan Avenue, ready to pass out, looking as if I were on a death march.

Spoiler alert: I didn't go sub-4 hour. My finish time was 4:09:40, just a little bit over what I had wanted, but it didn't matter -- I was ecstatic. And the whole experience taught me lessons that I'd do well to keep in mind:

Training matters
Every day, there was something I had to do and I had to want it more than I wanted that cookie or to sleep in. And going against everything I thought I knew to be true about myself, I trained, trained hard and kept at it with a consistency that I didn't think I had in me. No matter what anyone says, the hard goals in life require dogged preparation.  

If it were easy, everyone would do it
Sure, there were 45,000 other runners around me, but still over 2.6 million people just in the city of Chicago that weren't doing it because they didn't think they could. Hard goals separate you from the crowd.

When the going gets tough, the tough just keep plodding along
There were parts of the marathon that just flew by, like the early miles when my biggest worry was whether I was running too fast or if I should have Gatorade at this water stop or the next. And then there were the other 24 miles where just about every cell in my body wanted to quit, but even still there were those few rebel cells in my body that whispered, “Just a few more steps…” over and over. Just move forward -- that’s all that counts.

The finish line is the shizz
I made the left turn onto Columbus Avenue and saw the finish line banner up ahead, waving in the breeze. I saw the time clock, sadly past 4 hours, but not yet hitting 4:10. I unearthed 45 seconds of what felt like sprinting (in reality, um, yea, not so much) and crossed the finish line, arms raised in triumph, hearing the announcer say my name. And with that, I fell to my knees, simultaneously laughing and sobbing, and was just so damn relieved that it was over (side note: there’s no better way to attract cute EMTs than to fall over after running a marathon).

There’s no better feeling than being proud of yourself and your effort
After assuring the EMTs that I really was okay, I could feel the sense of accomplishment and fierce pride spread through me. I did it. I really, truly did it. Perhaps I hadn't hit my 4 hour goal, but I had trained as hard as I knew how and I didn't quit out on the course, not once. I knew that I had pushed as hard as was possible and that feeling, well, there’s just nothing like it.

And that’s really the main takeaway from all this: I can do whatever I want and anything is possible. All it takes is commitment and consistency and the deep down desire to get it. I've done it before, I can do it again. Any goal is just a marathon in disguise.

On. Off. Black. White. Binge. Restrict.

Still here.  I've started at least half a dozen posts and just haven't finished them, my creative writing spark nowhere to be found.  And I spent the last day or so writing something absolutely profound, and after installing some updates and rebooting, POOF! it's gone.  I thought I had saved... apparently not.  The Blogging gods are angry tonight.

Anyway - let's talk about binge and restrict cycles, okay?  This has been at the forefront of my brain for awhile now, mostly because I'm definitely in the binge part of the cycle and instead of just looking to get back to restricting, I want to figure out a way to break the cycle completely.  Move the behaviors to the middle, avoiding the extremes of either the binge or restrict, because while I love roller coasters, I'm not so fond of my nutrition taking the same kind of ride.

An interesting side note: my binge/restrict is not only about my eating, it's also my spending habits. More interestingly, spending almost always ebbs and flows along with my eating; it's rare when I'm being nutritionally sound but spending money on all the things on my I WANT IT NOW list. So it's been like an early Christmas around here -- food, treats and gifts galore.

Back to food. There's a theory out there simply called Eat The Food (ETF) that posits that a lot of disordered eating starts after undergoing dieting of some sort -- that by cutting out some foods completely from your diet you set yourself up for a binge at some later point.  The way to break this cycle is to go through a period where you eat anything you want, whenever you want.  They advocate listening to your body and only eating when hungry and only eating until satisfaction (not overeating), but that if you want, say, Pop-Tarts for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day, that's what you should eat.

The end game is changing the way you think about food -- you take the stigma and draw away from eating once-forbidden foods.  Foods are no longer classified as "good" or "bad" -- it's all just calories, no judgment involved.  Perhaps veggies and lean meat provide more energy, but that doesn't mean you can't be fueled by chocolate. Eventually you learn what makes you feel good and perform your best and because nothing is off the table (see what I did there?), there's no reason to binge anymore.  You can have anything you want to eat at anytime -- no need to eat like it's the last time you'll ever see that particular food again.

I'll say this much:  after a few months of "being good" and eating clean (see how the restrict cycle gets a "good" judgment attached to it?), I'm on the other side of that spectrum right now, eating all sorts of crap (another judgment) without any sort of restraint. And I'll be honest -- I feel like I'm about done with this binge, but I need to figure out some way to not go into a full-on restrict phase because a binge will likely follow.

And I'm not entirely sure how to do this. In the past it's always been that if I eat one I'll eat 20 -- it's not enough until it's gone. I've talked about this before, but I really need to figure out the middle ground -- that's got to be the key to a normal relationship with food. I want to be able to have all the tasty stuff I love in the house without being worried about it disappearing shortly after being shelved.

It all comes back to my old friend: mindfulness. If I can manage to just listen to my body, distinguish real hunger pangs from the desire to eat for some other reason, I can break the cycle.  So simple.  Not so easy. My body knows what it needs to thrive, it's just a matter of paying attention and feeding it when hungry and stopping when it's satisfied. Mindfulness. Yup.

Fallin'

I've been sucked in by Autumn. It's true.  The season is an absolute vortex, you know it too, don't you (luckily not of the polar variety that we had last winter...)?

On one hand, I love fall; the colors, the crisp air, the rustling of leaves (that I no longer have to rake!) and all things pumpkin-flavored make it one of my favorite season. But I have to admit -- there's a looming melancholy that accompanies it.  

Like a lot of folks, I don't deal all that well with the decreasing amount of sunlight (especially these past few weeks, where rain and cloudy skies have been the norm) and find myself losing motivation.  And more than that -- while I hesitate to call it Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), it definitely messes with my mood. It isn't too too well known, but depression is present in my family tree and it has hit me as well. I've dealt with it -- therapy and meds -- and  am doing really well, but this time of year always makes me rethink my state of mind.

Part of it is simply a strong desire to take stock of where I'm at and where I need to go. A slowing down of activity and, in some ways, the moment for a fresh start as well. It's like it's time to simplify my life and slip into hibernation mode with a clean slate. Does that make any sense? I'm not even sure it makes sense to me, either. I want to grab hold of the last of the nice weather and make the most of our time together, but then I want to be ready for all the comforts of winter:  good books to read, sleepy dogs to snuggle with and hot drinks to sip and warm my hands with.

I will say that I'm managing better than usual. More than anything, I've got a mindfulness about myself that's been invaluable. I don't have all the answers, but I'm absolutely certain of some facts:  sweat removes more than salt from my body. Nutritious, healthy food nurtures my soul. Music, books and downtime heal and soothe my spirit. And as much as hibernation is oh so necessary for my mental health, I also need to nourish my social side so it survives intact until Spring.

And so, I keep on keepin' on. It's more of a challenge, but I'm doing it and will continue to fight the good fight (cliché much?). Practicing simplicity in as many parts of my life as possible: sleep, wake up, breathe, be grateful for the breathing, be productive, train hard, eat whole foods, relax and rest. It's that easy.

Fitbit vs. Withings

The long-awaited write-up of my thoughts on the Fitbit One and the Withings Pulse -- I know y'all were probably up nights wondering when this was going to be posted. I started using both at the very beginning of the year and have basically had them on my body every day since then.

It took me 8 tries to get a picture with both displays
still turned on, so I stopped worrying about
how awful the actual picture is.

In general, they both do their job fairly well and I think you could be happy going with either one. Personally, I'm still having a tough time choosing between them -- and frankly, they're small enough that I can carry both around without being too overburdened. And since I can't make a decision, I'll list all the things I think are important and then pick a winner in each category. How does that sound? Good, I'm glad you like the idea.

Step Count/Mileage

When on a treadmill or running outside, both devices are about spot-on with each other in terms of step count, however, the Fitbit always seems to underestimate distance while the Pulse compares better to the actual distance traveled. Normal walking around the office or home or out shopping?  The Fitbit will sometimes be as much as 10-15% higher in both step count and mileage than the Pulse.  Which, of course, makes me like it more.
Winner:  Fitbit One

Form Factor

While they're both fairly small, the Pulse is definitely bulkier though I wouldn't make a buying decision based only on this. That said, the Fitbit is not only smaller, but its curved edges seems to make it less noticeable in my pocket.
Winner:  Fitbit One

Battery Life/Charging

Battery life is good with both devices -- at least 1-2 weeks, easily, and they both charge up quickly.  The Pulse battery seems to need charging before the Fitbit, but not by much, usually. A big thumbs down to the Fitbit, though, because the charging cable is proprietary. Forget it at home when you go on vacation? Hope you remembered to charge your Fitbit before leaving! The Pulse is a normal micro USB plug -- the same that charges many (non-Apple) phones. I like that I can charge it just about anywhere, since I have those cords all around my house.
Winner: Withings Pulse

Syncing

The Fitbit One syncs with a computer (with a USB receiver plugged in), and with iOS/Android/Windows devices using Bluetooth. It will sync automatically, and it's unusual that I need to force a sync because my devices and the website seemingly always show me the most up-to-date information. The Withings Pulse only syncs with iOS/Android devices and the sync doesn't happen nearly as often and I often find myself doing a manual sync. This wasn't too much of an issue for me until my Nexus 5 bit the dust (well, I bit the dust and it happened to be under my butt when it happened... doh) and I bought a Windows phone (which the Pulse doesn't support). Now I keep the Nexus on at home to sync my Pulse (and for a few other things my new phone doesn't do).
Winner: Fitbit One

Sleep Analysis

Both devices need to be worn on your wrist and turned on when going to bed and then turned off when you get up. Kind of a pain, but you soon get used to it and it's not that big of a deal. One note -- if you go to bed to read, don't turn it on -- if you're not moving around, it'll think that you've fallen asleep.  Both devices are usually within minutes of each other in telling me how long it took me to fall asleep, and how much total sleep I got. The downside with the Pulse -- when it's in sleep mode, it doesn't count steps (sure, sure, not a big deal, but it's not like I'm levitating to the bathroom a few times a night... I want credit for all the steps I take!). Also, if you forget to turn it off when you get up, the Pulse does not allow you to edit that sleep record while the Fitbit does (through the website).
Winner:  Fitbit One

Website

Both websites give you summary information on a dashboard-like interface. The Fitbit dashboard is all big bubbly graphics and you have to drill down to get to more detail. The Withings website, on the other hand, is awesome (how's that for a technical review?). It manages to display a wealth of information on the dashboard without it being confusing. And you can still drill down for more details. It also integrates really well with any other Withings products you have (I own the Withings Scale).
Winner: Withings Pulse

Display/On-screen information

The Fitbit, by default, cycles through steps - floors - miles - calories (total) - energy flower - time. The Fitbit allows you -- through the website or app -- to change what is displayed. The Pulse cycles through steps - feet of elevation - mileage - calories (during exercise) - sleep mode/HR. Also, if you go for a run, you can swipe to a "running analysis" -- basically time/distance of the activity and you can also easily see 10 days of historical data for any piece of information that's displayed.
Winner: Withings Pulse

Clip-ons

I don't use the clips all that often and find them both to be more than adequate for the job. I think that used more, the Fitbit has more of a chance of wearing out, but I can't say that for sure. Just my guess.
Winner: Withings Pulse (I guess)

Extras

Fitbit:  allows you to set alarms which work by vibrating -- very effective when you're sleeping, especially if you're trying not to wake up someone else. 

Pulse: takes your HR.  Cycle through to HR mode, then put your finger on the sensors in the back and it spits out your HR (usually - sometimes it can't get a read and just shows an "x" on the display). I've found it to be pretty accurate, though it's kind of a pain to do when you're in the middle of working out.  I use it mostly when I wake up to get my resting heart rate.

Fitbit One

Withings Pulse

So, I suppose if you were to force me to choose, I'd probably pick the Fitbit mostly for convenience sake (it's easier to sync) and the fact that it typically gives me a higher step count (I'm a little emotionally attached to that number). But I tell you -- I'd miss the Withings website, which has been awesome in motivating me to get more active and monitoring my weight and keeping track of my weekly goals.

And the verdict is...

My foot doctor appointment was today -- a great way to celebrate my birthday! -- and as I suspected, the MRI didn't show anything more than the x-rays. Ironically, it identified another issue that I've been having on and off since about 2009, but still nothing to worry about.

So, I still have the pain, but as I've repeatedly said, it's not all that bad. In fact, I'd say that it feels marginally better in the last week or so. The doc's advice? Give the boot another couple of weeks, just for kicks and giggles. The advice I'm going to take? My own, which includes getting back to things and not worrying about it.

There's no fracture there that I'm going to turn into something worse. So my new plan of action is going to be to sign up for an early May 5-mile race and start training. I can always revisit this issue if the foot really starts bothering me again.

(I know, I know, but I've got to start doing something and have a goal again or I'm just going further down this abyss. No more foot excuses!)

Water on the noggin'

Well, after the record 68" of snow the area has seen this winter (average is under 30"), it's finally starting to warm up just a bit.  I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to this -- I'm just so DONE with this winter.

But how does that saying goes?  Be careful what you wish for ... 

The warming temperatures and melting snow brought the outdoors into my basement -- yes, puddles and puddles of water.  Just what I need while I'm dealing with studying for an exam on Saturday! My roommate's been helping switch out towels (most of the leakage is in the workout room, which is good -- no carpeting in there) and my Dad came over this afternoon to help me diagnose the problem, figure out if there's a fix (no, not really) and help get things as good as they can be for the time being. I'm lucky to have people around me who support me in a lot of different ways.

Onto more relevant topics ... I've been peeking ahead in our lessons and there's a good one for Thursday: a 24-hour fast.  I've done the intermittent fasting as I've talked about previously, usually going about 15-17 hours between meals, but a full 24 hours? That's a bird of a different color.

But I'm looking forward to it. I've not only been forgetting what it feels like to be hungry, but forgetting to realize that hunger isn't an emergency that needs tending to immediately. Fasting will be a good way to reset my brain. At least that's what I'm hoping for, because I kind of need a kick start back to reality.

This post is a little disjointed, but frankly, so am I at the moment. After 2 hours spent dealing with water and then another 2.5 hours studying (and it's not like I didn't work a full day first), my head is ready to relax. Or at least go to sleep. Which is what I'm going to do. Right now, in fact. Good-night!

Oh, my achin' foot

Stress fracture, bone abnormality
or just all in my head?

Saw the foot doctor today to get the X-rays read, and like Google had already told me -- if there's a stress fracture, it's not readily apparent. Which it should be, since the length of time that I've had the pain would be long enough for the calcification of the bone to show up. The doc did say that she saw some "abnormality of the bone" where I've got pain, but she's not exactly sure what might be the issue.

So - onto the next step: an MRI. Oh, joy. Part of me wants to abandon all this right now and just deal with it, like I have been for the past 7 or 8 months. It's not a stress fracture, so I'm not in danger of breaking my foot, right? It's only been 2 weeks and I'm already sooo over this whole thing. Doc did concede that if the walking boot didn't seem to be doing any good, then I could consider ditching it, though now I feel like I ought to give it more time. Catholic guilt at it's best.

Thing is, if it were just this same ol' low level pain all the time (think: 3 or 4 on a pain scale of 10), I wouldn't think anything of it. But there are moments when I step a little on the side of my foot, or just the wrong way and .... YEEEOOOOWWW... and all of a sudden, the 3 or 4 becomes an easy 8 or 9 (plus a few curse words). And it hurts whether I'm standing on it, running on it, squatting 145 pounds or laying down trying to sleep. Very weird, in my estimation.

If the MRI doesn't show anything then I really am going to just start ignoring the pain and waiting for it to go away on it's own eventually. What's the worst that can happen, right?