New Habit Monday -- Carboholics Anonymous

Another "what to eat" habit is here:  make smart carb choices.  This is the one that I knew was coming but wasn't looking forward to because I really love my carbs.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I've never met a carb I didn't love.

I've already done a lot in the way of cutting out the refined carbs -- the cookies, bakery bread, crackers, muffins and all of the other starchy goodness out there -- but I've been reluctant to really make a concerted effort to consistently make smarter carb choices.  I don't wanna <insert pouty lower lip>.

Now, I know quite well that when I feel resistance, I'm being faced with one of those things that I know I ought to do, but don't really want to make the effort to get it done. Like geometry homework (the one math class I hated). It's kind of hard -- I mean, what's a good sandwich without good bread to hold it together, right? -- and, um, ya, I just don't wanna.

But - I will.  I can't avoid something just because it's a challenge.  Right?  I haven't had success doing this my way, and that's something I need to keep pounding into my brain. This is one of my difficult-difficult things (have I talked about difficult-easy and difficult-difficult yet?  Hmmm... if not, that's coming up soon).

So - instead of a bakery bread sandwich, I'll have a lettuce wrap.  Substitute sweet potatoes for white rice.  Replace cookies with ... nothing, I guess.  That just seems a little sad, doesn't it?  Anyway, I'm on it.

Can't you just smell that heavenly bakery goodness?

Sunday Funday: Week 10 Review

Today marks the end of this 4-week Phase 2.  This phase introduced new, more challenging workouts (side planks are still my nemesis), a couple of what-to-eat habits and a lot of education about where foods come from and how to gear my diet to be more whole foods while cutting out the processed junk.

The end of a phase also means something else:  a new set of photos.  Amazingly, this is the first time where I was almost looking forward to them.  I knew that I had dropped about 7" from when I started this (despite the scale being obstinate), and I wanted to see if there was any visible difference.  And, there was!  I lost about half of a back fat roll! Success!

I think I say this every week, but I still have a hard time believing that the time has passed this quickly.  Already at 10 weeks done!  I started this at the height of summer and am now enjoying the gorgeous weather of autumn -- there's nothing better around the Midwest.

Without further adieu, the weekly review:

Measurements:
I opted to stay off the scale all week, so I was a little nervous heading into Saturday's measurement session even though I had been pretty good most of the week.  I was pleased to find that my good behavior was rewarded:  a dip on the scale and a very slight dip in measurements!  I think I'll continue stepping on the scale just once a week -- it's like being scared skinny.  Heh.

What I feel like after side planks

Workouts:
The good news is that I'm still riding my 100% compliance streak!  The bad news is that I'm still really hatin' on both stability ball planks and side planks.  Curse them! This last week upped the number of sets and it just about killed me. I've also been running more -- 3 times this week, which used to be a slacker week for me, but now represents a milestone. I'm happy to be running again.

Habits:
I haven't been all that good about getting my 5 servings of vegetables.  No reason, no excuses, just haven't.  This weekend I've really focused on it and got it done, but I think I've hit this habit maybe only about half the time in these last two weeks.  I'll need to continue working on this.

Habit Log:
Weeks 1-2: Fish oil and probiotic
Weeks 3-4: Eating slowly
Weeks 5-6: Stop eating at 80% full
Weeks 7-8: Lean protein with every meal
Weeks 9-10: 5 servings of vegetables a day

New eats

A few weeks back I went out with friends to an Italian restaurant and was (easily) persuaded by the waitress to try their eggplant parmesan when she told me that it was "the best in the city".

Whether or not it's earned that "best" moniker, I thought it was absolutely fantastic!  I had never had it, and it wasn't at all what I pictured it to be.  To me it looked far more like an eggplant lasagna than parmesan; still, I wasn't going to split hairs on the name of it.

Since then, I've kept my eyes peeled for a recipe and ran across a healthy(er) version of it earlier this week and decided to put it on my menu for the weekend.  I went shopping this morning for the ingredients -- there wasn't really too much to it -- and started prepping for it in the early afternoon.

I immediately realized that my planning could have been better -- turning on the oven for an hour when it's in the 80's (and I'm not running the air conditioner) wasn't the smartest idea.  But, undeterred I forged ahead.

There was no frying involved -- frying never equals healthy as I'm sadly aware -- so instead the eggplant was baked after dredging in flour, egg and bread crumbs.  A hot cookie sheet and some olive oil did the trick... the eggplant came out of the oven nice and crispy!  I mentally filed this method away for future uses (sweet potato fries, perhaps?).

And guess what?  Apparently eggplant parmesan is supposed to look like eggplant lasagna!  I assembled the layers and put it in the oven -- it smelled heavenly.  And you know what?  It tasted just as good!  

My verdict?  While it took a little time to prep, it was worth it.  All in all, an easy recipe because there wasn't much in the way of slicing, dicing and chopping and most of the ingredients were already in my house.  And while I only made a half recipe, the recipe makes two 8x8 dishes of it and they suggest freezing the second one.  Cook once and eat many times.  I love it!

Mine looked much messier but tasted awesome.

Perfect!

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away (called high school), I had a favorite basketball/softball coach who had a favorite saying:

Practice doesn't necessarily make perfect.  Perfect practice makes perfect.

I remember walking into the gym one day and seeing the poster on the wall -- he thought this would be a great motivator for us girls.  A firm believer in making sure that everything we did was up to the highest standards, he wanted us to understand the difference between going through the motions and really focusing on improving and working hard on every facet of the game.  Oh, and he loved walking around during practice yelling, "Is this perfect practice???".

Of course, perfection remained elusive, but as a motivational tool, it worked well on us young teenagers. We loved him to death and would have done anything to make him proud (and I wouldn't have put it past him to use that bit of knowledge against us!).

I read that now, though, and I admit I cringe a little.  I understand all too well the pitfalls that come from trying to be perfect. Hell, I think I'm entirely made up of those pitfalls. My world tends to be black and white, and if I'm not perfect, then what's the point?  Right?

Now that just sounds silly, doesn't it?  Except to me, it doesn't really.  Well - it sounds silly in a logical way, but deep down I know it to be a truth.  MY truth, at least.  LE goes a long way to trying to convince us staunch "If you're not in first, you're losing" types that it's okay to be imperfect.  That the joy -- and the transformation -- is in progress and moving forward, even just the tiniest bit, each and every day.

True dat

I'm working on this part.  It's a process, for sure.  Right now I can see it creep in with the whole 5 servings of vegetables habit.  This should be easy for me -- I like vegetables in almost all forms -- but it hasn't been because it requires forethought and preparation.  I've done the prep for 1-2 servings a day, but had opted to "keep my options open" for the other 3-4.  And you know what?  If by the dinnertime I'm only at 1 serving, and I know I won't get in 4 for dinner, I decide that it's easier to just skip it entirely.  If I'm not going to hit 5, then why bother?

Don't worry -- I see the flaw in my thinking.  Of course 3 servings is better than 1, every day of the week and twice on Sunday.  Sure, 5 would be perfect, but if I can't hit that, it's still worth it to get another 1 or 2 with my dinner.  Obviously.  It's sad when the voice in my head whispers at me, "It's FAR too much trouble to stick that bag of frozen vegetables in the microwave...".

Doh

Well, my streak is broken -- I missed posting yesterday for the first time since I started this back in July.  That makes me a little sad, but it was unavoidable.

I was at work from about 8am (a late start for me) until 11:30pm and didn't step back into my house until well after midnight -- not only too late to blog, but officially the next day anyway. To be honest, I didn't even think about it until I laid my head on my pillow and since my alarm was going off at 4:30am it wasn't like I was getting out of bed to do anything about it.

This schedule has thrown my nutrition into a tailspin, though.  I didn't get to have any dinner last night (I had my vegetable afternoon snack around 2pm) and woke up this morning ready to chew my arm off.  And with only 3.5 hours of sleep last night, I've been all kinds of snacky today (though I've mostly behaved myself), and wanting carbs and sweets.

Luckily, a good night's sleep should solve all of my problems as long as I don't give in to my craving for pizza.  And ice cream.  Oh, and cookies.  Donuts!   (okay, I need to stop this now and go to bed...)

Hard habit(s) to break

Not only a rockin' 80's song from the band Chicago, but also a list of things that I still need to get out of my diet:

1. Diet Pepsi.  I have only one a day (okay, okay, so it's a 24 ounce bottle, but still just ONE bottle), but I probably need to break this habit.  I've given it up from time to time, but always find myself back on it after a period of weeks or months.  Thing is, I genuinely really, really like the taste of it!  People always say that after you give it up for awhile, when you drink it again, it tastes like chemicals.  Um, yea, no.  Not for me.  For me it's dark, bubbly liquid gold that makes me smile, close my eyes and go "YUMMMMMMMM" when I take my first sip of the morning.
2. Butterscotch hard candies.  I do love these little gems.  I go through cycles with them -- periods where I barely notice them and other times when I could snack on them all day.  And it's amazing how quickly 20-25 calories per candy can add up! (not that I'm calorie counting, of course!)
3. Non-caffeinated diet pop.  Root beer, Sprite Zero, Hansen's All Natural Diet Mango -- it's my go-to sweet of choice at night when I'm looking for something dessert-like.
4. Trader Joe's Green Tea Mints.  Try them.  You'll love them.
5. Trader Joe's Black Bean and Quinoa chips.  What can I say -- even Clarke thinks they're irresistible. 

   

   Clarke wouldn't stay still long enough for
   me to take a non-blurry picture.  And
   don't worry, no dogs were harmed in the
   taking of this picture.  The bag was
   already empty.  Of course.

   Those are the major offenders, and ones that I don't feel quite ready to get rid of just quite yet.  The Diet Pepsi I'm considering not replenishing when I run out (in 4 days); same with the other diet pops (or "sodas" for those non-midwest folks out there).  The mints?  Well, I don't get them too often, and try to only keep them in the car, so I don't feel quite as guilty about them.  And the chips, well, I can actually go days and days without eating them, but when I do dive in, it's not pretty (though I pair them with guacamole, which is healthy, right?).
   
   
   I need to start thinking about setting myself up for success and having these foods around -- while I refuse to absolutely cut them out of my life -- puts me in a situation where they'll get eaten, one way or another (and normally I don't let the dogs eat the chips). That's not really the best way to break my habits, now, is it?

Fallin'

It's the first full day of Autumn!  Hard to believe -- the summer always seems to just fly by, you know?  The weather has been feeling very fall-like as well, which has been a relief after the heat and humidity of last week.

And I have to say, fall is just about my favorite season. There's football and pumpkin-flavored everything, chilly mornings, the smell of leaves burning and the rustle of them underfoot, the end of oppressing humidity and not minding turning on the oven to cook good comfort foods. And we can't forget "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!"  I mean, really -- what's not to like?

Another thing I like about this time of year is the sense that it's a fresh start.  I suppose this comes from my long-ago school days (I was always the nerd that liked when school was in session), but it's stuck with me through the years. I've got a kind of Charlie Brown "I'm going to kick the football this time!" optimism.  

I've been struggling lately, right? I think it's time to take stock and refocus.  I've noticed that I've been having a tough time following the "eat slowly" habit -- more often I'm bolting down my food without really paying attention to what I'm doing.  It's not that I can't do it, it's that I'm just not being mindful enough to do it.  So, that's what I'm going to start today (or restart, as the case may be):  eating sloooooooowly.  Time myself.  Meals aren't allowed to be any less than 20 minutes long. Go, Laura!

If only winter didn't follow fall -- that's the only thing that stops it from being absolutely perfect, don't you think?

Sunday Funday: Week 9 Review

Like I was saying the other day, this week has been a bit of a struggle.  I feel like I spent a lot of time reverting back to my old behavior, which puts me a little on edge because it was SO DAMN EASY to do.  I would like to think that one day I'll be able to lower my guard a little, but it's possible that I'll have to be forever vigilant if I want to stay healthy.

But, that said, this weekend has been a turn for the better.  With the exception of dinner out with family at a Polish restaurant last night, I've been eating healthy and in appropriate quantities.  Not only that, but the house is filled with good (and good for me!) foods.

The weather finally turned and the past few days have been absolutely gorgeous.  Mid 50's and sunny and awesome in the mornings, giving way to not-quite-70's during the day.  I would love this kind of weather year round (don't ask me why I live in the Chicago area if that's what I want out of Mother Nature) and have been taking advantage and getting outside as much as possible.  This weather perfection won't last long.

And now the weekly review:

The happy green checkmarks are
starting to accumulate...

Measurements:

My bad choices were reflected in the measurements Saturday morning. And going out Saturday night really reinforced why I need to drop some inches: none of my winter clothes fit.  Aside from some hoodie sweatshirts, I literally have nothing to wear.  I've decided that in pursuit of progress, I'm going to avoid the scale entirely.  I found this past week that I would step on the scale the morning after eating poorly, and I hadn't gained much and thought, "Oh, hey! I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight!" ... of course, that's completely wrong, it just sneaked up on me instead.  I'm hoping that no feedback will force me to make good choices so as not to have a bad surprise on Saturday morning.

Workouts:

Still going at 100%!  I'm pretty proud of this, especially since my schedule didn't exactly play along with me.  Also - I got in an extra run this week, hopefully on my way to running 3-4x/week.  I have a 9K race coming up in a month that I would like to not suck at.

Habits:

Because of the slip-ups already mentioned, the 5 servings of vegetables a day habit also suffered.  It's harder to get the good stuff in when I'm filling myself up with bagels and donuts and chips and stuff.  I'm going to sit down and make a plan for the week and get all of my food prepped and really buckle down and make this happen.

Habit Log:

Weeks 1-2: Fish oil and probiotic
Weeks 3-4: Eating slowly
Weeks 5-6: Stop eating at 80% full
Weeks 7-8: Lean protein with every meal

Week 9:  5 servings of vegetables a day

Deliciousness

Well, I put the vegetables that I bought last night and my new rice cooker to good use this morning and made a Frittata with Summer Vegetables that was absolutely awesome, if I do say so myself.

Sometimes I seem to forget how good healthy food can be, and really, this is close to a perfect balance:  vegetables, protein, and a small amount of carbs.  I put summer squash, red peppers, a sweet onion and purple potatoes in mine and went a little light on the cheese. The purple potatoes added a nice flavor to it, but didn't exactly enhance the looks of it, if you know what I mean.

I had high expectations for this recipe and was absolutely blown away by it.  It was easy to make -- other than having to chop all the vegetables -- and using the rice cooker meant that I didn't have to babysit it.  I got it prepared, turned on the rice cooker and then went out for a run.

This one's definitely a keeper!  I ate half after my run and can't wait to eat the leftovers tomorrow.

Not my frittata because mine tasted awesome
but came out looking a little weird

Ups and downs

I've been struggling this week, and giving in and not practicing what I've been learning these last 7 weeks.  There's no way to gussy it up to sound better, either.

The office has been tough for me:  bagels one day, fresh donuts from my favorite bakery the next, and a bad breakfast decision on my part the day after that.

The bagel day, I didn't even really want one, but my co-worker had gone out of his way to bring them in (because he knows I love them!) and so I found it difficult to not have one. It felt rude to turn it down.  No one at work knows that I'm doing Lean Eating -- and that's how I think I'm going to keep it for awhile -- and so he didn't know that I'm trying to stay away from unplanned, surprise bagels.

The donuts?  Well, those were a present from a rare vendor visit and when I walked by them, the smell wafted up and grabbed me.  I should have said no.  I should have kept walking.  But I didn't.  That's not really the worst part, though.  The worst part was that I went back for another even though by that time I *really* wasn't hungry.  The only thing that kept me from getting a third?  The fact that my jeans were very uncomfortably tight. I suppose it was a stroke of luck that I was wearing my Getting-Fat jeans rather than my Already-Fat jeans (which have a little slack in them).

The breakfast decision... well, usually once a week I treat myself to a bagel with egg and cheese on it.  I figure that as long as I have a week of good eating, that's one thing that's not horrible for me and that I really enjoy.  But, coming on the heels of everything else, I really should have abstained this week.

And the vegetable habit... well, I haven't been doing very well with that either.  I'm getting in 2-3 servings a day, but that's been it, mostly because I haven't cooked dinner even once this week.  Some of it due to busy days that ended up out of my control, some of it due to days that I was just too tired and lazy to put in the effort to cook.

So, tonight, I decided that I needed to do something to turn it around.  After getting home from work and napping for awhile due to a headache, I went out to the store and bought tons of vegetables and good stuff for food to make over the weekend.  I've got baked broccoli, a vegetable frittata and a warm spinach side dish on the menu -- all new recipes that I'm looking forward to trying out.

The moral of the story:  acknowledge the past, be gentle and give myself a break and then move on.  Don't let those donuts from the past be the excuse for bad choices in the future.

Patience... patience...

Patience is something that I don't have a whole lot of -- I admit it. When I want things, I want them now.  Immediate results, please!  Of course, that's always made dieting problematic for me ... while it seems like I can put on weight if I simply get too close to a cookie, the weight takes forever to come off. And boy, that kinda pisses me off (excuse my language, but diets make me curse).

Which is why I'm doing Lean Eating -- it's not a diet. But I have to keep reminding myself of that because lately I've found myself slipping back into the diet mindset, like bad habits reasserting themselves.  I've debated on here the value of weighing in every day vs. weighing in just once a week, and I think I'm starting to see the wisdom of not watching that number bounce around every day.  I'm starting to really want to see the pounds go down and that's making me a little bit crazy (more than usual).

So, I need to back off a little bit and deep breathe and tell myself:  this is not a diet.  This is not about weight loss (I always chuckle a little when I say this, despite knowing that I ought to buy into that wholeheartedly). This is not about what the scale tells me. This is not about counting calories or purposely going hungry.

This is about transforming my life, starting from my mind and heart and working outward.

I've got a year (well, actually a year minus 8 weeks, now) and at my current pace, I'll lose the 30-40 pounds that I'd like to see gone.  And I shouldn't have to monitor every ounce of up and down. And that's the point, obviously -- to transform by altering how I think about food and exercise and creating the mental habits that will sustain the physical changes.

New toys

Have I mentioned that I'm an impulse shopper?  Especially for online stuff... Amazon's "1-Click Buy" is deadly for me (not that more clicks would matter -- it's not like I don't know my credit card number by heart and I can enter my shipping information faster than a speeding bullet or Superman or Underdog ... I can never remember which one...).

So, yesterday I was reading some foodie type blogs and ran across someone who was raving about her rice cooker. Hmmm. That's one of those things that I've heard lots of people profess undying love for, but I have to admit, I never understood why anyone would have a dedicated appliance to just make rice.

But then I did some research, and you know what?  I think they might have magical powers!  They can make rice, sure, but they also steam vegetables and make stews and soups and oatmeal and all sorts of stuff!  And on a timer so I can set it up when I leave in the morning and come home to piping hot food!

(I'm very exclamatory today, aren't I?)

And so I did about 5 minutes of research and pulled the trigger on an Aroma Digitial Rice Cooker and Food Steamer.  

Isn't she pretty?

A full meal!  All in one pot!  How great is that!

I'll have to start hunting up some good recipes, though I'll toss some rice and vegetables in this weekend and see what happens.  Any suggestions?

The closet of many sizes

Skinny jeans.  Normal jeans.  Getting-Fat jeans.  OMG-WILL-YOU-STOP-EATING jeans.  My closet is a land of about 4 distinct clothing sizes, and one of the reasons that I started LE is that I couldn't face the prospect of adding a fifth to the crew.

See, my weight gain hasn't been all that gradual -- it's basically all been just since the beginning of the year -- so I moved up through the line pretty quickly. In January, I was comfortably in my normal size clothes and was pretty content right there.  That's the weight where I wouldn't mind losing another 5-10 pounds, but if it stayed right where it is, I'm totally living with it.  And then the pounds started piling on.

Here's a visual for you (note that I didn't record my weight for the first few weeks of January, so that's actually a mid-December start weight):

I lived high on the hog (heh!) from January until about June, and then I woke up and was all like, "Whaaaaat....??" when my Getting-Fat jeans started being REALLY uncomfortable. Like, old man unbuttoning his pants after dinner uncomfortable.  Once I resigned myself to buying jeans another size up, I also decided that this was the end of the line -- I couldn't allow things to get worse. But it seemed like no sooner than I promised myself this that my OMG-WILL-YOU-STOP-EATING jeans started feeling just a bit snug. And that's when the LE email popped into my Inbox. Like I've said before - absolute serendipity. Obviously, my promises to myself weren't enough to keep me accountable, but now working with LE I'm starting to see results.

So, I am really ready to lose more weight (more importantly:  INCHES!) so that I can fit back into my normal winter wardrobe.  I look at those clothes longingly and think, "Soon, my pretties, soon...".

New habit Monday -- do what your mother told you...

... and eat your vegetables!  Yes - 5 servings a day.  And we're still keeping up with the lean protein as well -- you can see how they're edging out the foods that they don't want you eating, eh?

Like the lean protein, this habit shouldn't be too difficult, but requires some planning to make the magic happen. Luckily, I really enjoy vegetables and I'm looking forward to this habit.  Turning into a rabbit sounds healthy, doesn't it? 

(Here's a funny aside: a former boss of mine always refused to eat anything "green"... though he made an exception for key lime pie, of course.  Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled programming.)

Makes sense, really.  Fill up on vegetables and protein, leaving not as much room for the carbs and desserts.  It's like doing homework before being allowed to play ("But Maaaaaaa... I don't waaaanna do my homework...").

I already have 2-3 servings a day -- I cut up vegetables for my workday snacks -- so it's just a matter of getting some at dinnertime, or making some veggie-heavy egg-type breakfasts for myself.  One thing I want to try is branching out a little bit.  My veggies are pretty run-of-the-mill, and I want to spice things up a bit. Any suggestions?

One recipe that I haven't made in a long time that is definitely in my near future is Garlic Mashed Cauliflower -- I wasn't a believer until I tried it, but it's a damn good substitute for mashed potatoes! I know, I know, I can hear you whining about how nothing is like the real thing, and while I agree, this really is the next best thing.  Trust me on this. Pair it with a nice steak and it's the best thing since sliced bread (see what I did there?).

Sunday Funday: Week 8 Review

And here we are again!  Another week gone.  It feels like Mother Nature decided that it was time to flip the switch to Fall -- we went from high 90's and a bazillion percent humidity, to highs in the 60's.  I'm ready for it, though I wish that winter wasn't close behind.

Overall, this week has been a mix of easy and difficult.  Getting the protein in requires planning but not much thought, but the lessons towards the end of the week that started in on what kinds of food should be in the house really brought about a lot of resistance.  And - I'm still struggling with that.

Here's the round-up:

Measurements:

The scale continues to be a finicky shrew, but at least it's nudging ever-so-slightly in the downward direction.  I am continuing to see some good progress on measurements, though, which I like more than results on the scale.  I have an entire wardrobe that depend on me dropping a size or two!

Workouts:

And this is exactly what I look like when I do side planks...
except add sweat and nothing but a look of torture on my face

Still 100% compliance on this! I'm starting to lift heavier, and I love the feeling of empowerment that gives me.  And I'm starting to see my quads start to reappear!  Woot! Next week the workouts get longer as more sets are added.  I'll tell ya one thing, the 45" of side planks are going to kill me one of these days.

Habits:

Lean protein.  Not much to say about it other than I continue to have to work at getting some in with each meal rather than just hitting an x grams of protein per day goal.  Like the rest of the habits, just being cognizant of the habit is a success in and of itself.

Habit Log:

Weeks 1-2: Fish oil and probiotic
Weeks 3-4: Eating slowly
Weeks 5-6: Stop eating at 80% full
Weeks 7-8: Lean protein with every meal

Hunger, you don't scare me

I wrote in a previous post about how eating to 80% was hard because being hungry has always been such an uncomfortable and anxious feeling for me. I've come a long way in the last month -- I think I can honestly say that hunger doesn't scare me anymore.  Which is a big thing for me.

What I've learned isn't anything that I didn't already intellectually know (though knowing, believing and implementing are all very different things), but putting it into practice been important in moving me forward.  Sometimes when I thought I was hungry, I was bored or wanted to eat to fill a void.  Sometimes the hunger, given a short bit of time, went away on it's own. I needed to be in tune with my body to figure out what it was trying to tell me instead of automatically eating to shut the feelings up.

Important lessons and it's made it easier for me not to mindlessly eat. I've found that as long as I have no reason to think that I'm going to get a migraine (and I know my triggers), I can sit with hunger.  And it doesn't kill me!  Nice.

I wonder, though, if it's possible to go too far with this.  When does it cross a line from not letting hunger cause me to overeat (or what used to pass as a feeling of hunger) to almost enjoying that hungry feeling, knowing that hunger ought to translate to results on the scale?

I'd never be able to have an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia -- I like food too much for anorexia and find it impossible to do the purge part of bulimia -- but now I'm starting to see how you could get addicted to feeling hungry, strange as that sounds (don't worry - I still don't like being hungry). It's almost a heady feeling, being that much in control of your body.

Obviously, I'm quite cognizant that this kind of diet/starvation mentality is not healthy and drifting towards this behavior would bring nothing but devastation. And frankly, I don't want to live like that, no matter how much it would make the scale move downward, but I still can't deny that I see what the allure is.  It's like packaging up a quick-fix to being overweight, right?  Just be strong and have a lot of willpower.  Lucky for me, I have no intention of doing it this way.

The end goal for this whole year-long process is to learn how to eat when I'm hungry (preferably healthy food), eat slowly, and then stop when I'm satisfied. If I can do this on a consistent basis, there should never be a need to starve myself or worry about regaining the weight. My body knows what it needs to survive, it's just a matter of listening closely and interpreting the signals correctly.

Vacation day!

After days of hot and humidity, a front moved through, depositing much needed rain and cooler temps that are pretty awesome. And I decided that I needed to take advantage of it -- vacation day, here I come!

So yes, spontaneously decided to take a day off today to enjoy the weather and am really glad I did.  I got some stuff done, but more importantly, I got outside with the pups and did a lot of walking.  And it was great.  No better way to spend a day off.

And in the spirit of a day off, you'll have to wait for tomorrow for a real post but I'll leave you with a picture of my cute dogs, which is just as good.

Karma

Remember yesterday when I was talking all about "I can't" and how evil it is and how no one should say it ever?

Karma.  She's a bitch, you know?

Today's lesson was entitled "Kitchen Makeover" and before you jump to conclusions, no, they weren't giving away free appliances and cabinets (damn!).  Instead they were talking about the stuff inside the appliances and cabinets -- all the crap food that hides out in there -- and going through and getting rid of anything that wasn't healthy.

Here's an excerpt:

And want to know what my immediate reaction was?  "I can't throw out everything that's not remotely healthy!  I can't do it!  I can't! I can't I can't!!"  I almost stomped my feet like a toddler having a tantrum too, but managed to refrain.  Barely.

Nice, eh?

And yes - it's not "I can't" it's "I don't wanna" (said with my lower lip sticking out).  My house doesn't have a whole lot of stuff on the list, but I definitely have some of them.  Within the past few weeks, I've made a point of not buying any of my trigger foods -- chocolate, ice cream, marshmallows (yup, that's right) -- so it wouldn't be easy for me to binge when things got tough.  But I've got offenders from the list:  candy, soda, alcohol (nothing better than Iced Cake Vodka served over ice!), frozen dinners, etc.  For me, some are foods of convenience, some are just to fulfill cravings when they come up.  The bargain I made with myself was that I wasn't allowed to have anything in the house that I couldn't stay away from or just eat one portion of.  And I'm living up to the bargain.  Sounds reasonable, doesn't it?

I mean, sure, I know that in a perfect world, I would be better off without these foods, but I'm feeling a huge resistance to actually making this happen.  I tell myself that I really don't want this to turn into a "diet" -- I don't want any food to be off limits -- but the fact of the matter is that not having it in the house doesn't mean I can't ever eat it.  It just means that it's not on-hand and easy to get to, that's all.  And still...

So, I'm working on this "I can't".  I'll do a survey of my pantry and fridge, see what's in there that is on the throw away list, and figure things out from there.  

(know what I just noticed? ... cookies aren't on the list... oooo I found a loophole...!!!)

Can't?

I was just having an online discussion with one of my triathlon friends about what people mean when they say "I can't" do something.

I think that when I say "I can't" do something what I almost always mean is "I don't want" to do something.  It's not a priority, it's not as important as other things, or I don't want to make the changes necessary to do the "I can't" something. And it's okay not to want to do something!  But I need to do myself a favor, and don't try to pass it off as a "can't" because all that does is get in the way.

Sure, there are times when "I can't" fits -- say, asking me to play softball when I had a broken arm** -- but more often I'm using it as an excuse to avoid doing something difficult. I really try to monitor my speech and thoughts for "I can'ts" because it usually signals resistance to a situation and and exploring the why of it might be very beneficial.

For example, at the beginning of the eat slowly habit, I found myself saying, "But I can't eat lunch slowly -- I don't have enough time".  Truth is, it's tough to eat slowly and so I was trying to create a plausible excuse to squirm out of doing the right thing for one meal a day.  Of course, that's bull:  I have 30 minutes for lunch.  More than enough time.  And - by eating slowly, I don't eat as much and so don't need as much time.  Wow.  See how that works?

"I can't run".  Of course I can, I just need to run slower.

"I can't fit in reading the assignments".  Of course I can, I just need to turn off the TV at night for awhile.

"I can't stop eating cookies!".  Um, yea. The jury is out on this one still.

"Can't" is the enemy of getting things done and sometimes it's a clue to what it is that I think I need or want to do, but hold back because it's going to take work to get there. "Can't" signifies some sort of push back to change. It all goes back to getting outside my comfort zone and venturing into new territory.

So, take an inventory of your "can'ts".  If it's important to you, is it really a "can't"?  Or a "don't want to"?  Or "this is too hard"?  The difference between these might be quite telling.

** True story:  I was 2 months out from breaking both the bones in my forearm, surgery to put the pieces back together, practically no range of motion, unable to bend my fingers or feel my hand and I played in a softball tournament because my team would have otherwise had to forfeit.  I never said I was the sharpest knife in the drawer.  And no, we didn't win.

Breadsticks and salad and pasta, OH MY!

Today was a challenge.

We have an auditor in the office for a couple of days this week, and that's a special occasion for us.  See, I work in an office that's on the site of a steel mill and security is incredibly, stupidly tight.  Let me put it this way: a few weeks ago I forgot my drive-in pass and despite the fact that I've been going in and out of this mill site for over 10 years, I wasn't allowed in.  So, when we get visitors (especially ones we're trying to win over), we go all out.  Which means:  FREE FOOD!

Now, I've always been all over that.  Gotta take advantage of food I don't have to prepare that's brought directly to me, right? And today Olive Garden food was being catered in! Sure, it's not the best Italian food out there, but - again - FREE.

Of course, these days free ain't what it used to be.  Meaning, free = giant nutritional trap door = no happy green check mark at the end of the day. I know this for a fact:  I can't be trusted with unlimited food in front of me -- I'll eat and eat and eat.  You'd find me face first in a big basket of breadsticks, if you know what I mean.

I needed a good strategy to get through the day.  Do I trust myself to partake but not over-eat?  Do I bring my own lunch to eat while everyone else has Olive Garden?  Do I quit my job?

I ended up bringing my lunch, figuring that at worst, it would sit in the fridge for another day.  Honestly, though, I wasn't looking forward to sitting around a table with other people chowing down on more exciting food.  And then it struck me:  I would eat early! I found someone else in the office who was also avoiding the whole Olive Garden thing and ate about 30 minutes before the good stuff arrived.  Brilliant!  By the time the smell of garlic was wafting towards my desk, I was already 80% full.

Go, me!

So, the lesson for the day?  Always try to have a game plan.  Or at the very least, recognize challenges before they come up and hit you over the head with a breadstick.

Happy 50th!

I can hardly believe it, but this is my 50th post!  How 'bout them apples?

It's been a busy day -- work was jam-packed, then I had a trainer beatdown (i.e. personal training session) that will likely leave me walking like a 93 year old by tomorrow morning, edited a paper for my sister, and shortly will have my video meeting with my LE group. Busy for a Monday, certainly.

But all good.  I've done well today with getting lean protein into all of my meals, which I seem to struggle with at night when I'm not cooking dinner.  And I'm still working on eating slowly and to 80%, but I think I'll need to be perpetually mindful of these.  I wonder if they'll ever become something that I don't even need to think about?

Anyway, thanks to everyone who keeps reading -- that's one of the reasons that I keep posting here day after day (the other reason being that I like to hear myself talk...lol). And if there's ever any question you'd like me to answer or something you want me to write about, let me know!  I'm guessing that at some point over the next 306 posts I might need some ideas... 

Sunday Funday: Week 7 Review

I feel like I should have had a few drinks last night -- at least then there would be a reason for how cruddy I'm feeling this morning.  I'm sore (from my workouts) and headache-y (for no reason at all) and would like to crawl back into bed, but Sunday mornings are my time to get things done:  grocery shopping, laundry and food prep being the big three.

And - exciting! - NFL football starts today!  So - that means I've got a noon deadline to take care of business.

This week has been good in terms of not only eating healthy, but really working on not letting a little hunger scare me into eating.  I'm doing a better job at proactively asking myself whether I'm hungry or just bored and then making the right decision based on that information.  And I'll also say that I've indulged a few times this week, too, which helps me with the "Oh my god I might never have this again I should eat a lot of it" kind of mentality that in the past has caused a lot of over-eating.

With that, here's the round-up of my week (because I know you've been waiting all week in anticipation):

Measurements:
What do you know -- progress!  Like, real progress.  Weight is headed in the right direction and measurements as well.  While I'm trying my best not to pay attention to the numbers, I have to admit that it's gratifying to see some results.

Workouts:
Still haven't missed one, which totally makes me a badass, in case you were wondering. I'll say that I don't think I've ever before been this consistent at strength training 3-4x/week, and I'm definitely feeling a change for the better. I'm more convinced than ever in the importance of lifting heavy things on a regular basis.

Habits:
Lean protein with each meal was our new habit this week.  On the surface, it's fairly easy for me because it's something I've been working on for a few years now.  Of course, before I was worried about hitting a certain amount of protein per day which is different than having lean protein with every meal.  This requires planning and is more difficult, for sure.  Still - this is more straightforward than the mental habits we are already working on.

Habit Log:
Weeks 1-2: Fish oil and probiotic
Weeks 3-4: Eating slowly
Weeks 5-6: Stop eating at 80% full

Week 7:  Lean protein with every meal

Go Bears!  Hope everyone has a fabulous football Sunday!

Putting it together

Practice, practice, practice ... that's what I've been doing.  Eat slowly!  Eat to 80%!  Add lean protein to every meal! And I've been doing pretty well at these habits.  Of course, staying on the right side of healthy is easier when you've got complete control of the environment:  my house no longer contains junk food to tempt me and no reason to shovel food in or overeat (though that doesn't always stop me!).

But recently I've had a few opportunities to spread my Lean Eating wings and see if I could fly (or go SPLAT on someone's windshield).  First was a BBQ at my brother's house -- starting with appetizers and drinks, ending with two different desserts and lots of good food in between the two.  My strategy going in was to just be incredibly conscious of what I was putting in my mouth because normally when I'm in front of appetizers, I can stuff myself full just from that -- and still eat dinner afterwards.

So, I sat next to the vegetables on purpose and they turned out to be wonderful conversation partners.  I managed to mostly stay away from the chips and guac, which are my best friend and sworn enemy all rolled into one.  It's funny, though -- old habits die hard.  I kept finding myself reaching for them and then my brain would kick in; nope, not gonna do that.  But I had to very actively keep an eye on myself -- it was hard! I'm tough to keep in line, apparently.

My next function was today -- I met up with some good friends for dinner, carb-loading for my friend's half marathon. We went to an Italian restaurant that I absolutely love and I knew it would be easy to indulge, indulge and indulge some more.

First, I opted for water instead of a drink -- I was the chauffeur so that made it a little easier -- but I still missed having a glass of wine.  And yes, I could have had it, but figured it was one thing I could do without.

The tough part?  Not having any bread -- that's like my gateway drug, without a doubt.  I could eat an entire loaf without even thinking twice.  Hell, I could eat it without even thinking once.

We ordered an antipasto salad for the table, and I had a little of that.  And then dinner -- the waitress gave me a sales pitch that they had the best eggplant parmigiana in the city and I had to bite on it (heh.  See what I did there?). And it was tasty!  Even, ah-MAZE-ing, like the waitress touted. The best eggplant parmigiana I've ever had in the city (we won't mention that the was the only eggplant parmigiana that I've had in the city)!  

Since I opted to not have any protein with dinner, I steadfastly implemented my other two habits:  eating slowly and not overeating.  Eating slowly was harder than I thought it would be.  It seemed weird to be putting my fork down and stopping while everyone else was eating away.  But it really did the trick -- I ate half of my meal and was done. Could I have finished it?  Sure.  Did I want to finish it?  Heck yea. Would I have finished it before I started all this?  Without a friggin' doubt.  But stopping felt really good.  My stomach didn't feel like it was going to burst which is something that isn't normal for me when I go out for dinner.  

So - two occasions and two relative victories.  What do you know:  it IS possible to go out, be social AND stick to some healthy habits.  Who knew?

I feel...

I feel ... optimistic about the Lean Eating program laying out the skills that I need to live a healthier life.  As I've talked about before, this is a different approach for me and I think the "mental side first" way of doing things might be just what I was looking for.

I feel ... scared that I'll have the solution in front of me and not follow through anyway. 

I feel ... stronger than I have in quite awhile and have remembered how much I like lifting heavy stuff (but not that desk, Jim!). I still have a good layer of mushiness on top of everything, but I'm starting to see muscles peeking out just a bit.

I feel ... anxious that this might work for everyone but me, because I'm somehow broken. Goes back to the whole thing where I give it my best effort and still it doesn't work.

I feel ... determined to give this my best effort, and as long as I do that, be happy no matter what the results might be.  There's pride to be had in the doing.  I really need to remember this.

I feel ... resistant sometimes to being told what to do, even though I know it's for my own good -- apparently I still have a bit of rebellious teenager left in me.  Or toddler.  One of the two.

I feel ... hopeful that in a year's time, I'll be much more fit and able to get back to doing all the things that I love to do without feeling self-conscious.  I just want my body to respond and take orders when I give them ... you know, how I'd like my dogs to act.

I feel ... buoyed by the support of all the women in my small accountability group.  They're great with the "you go, girl!" motivation when needed and sound advice when asked for it.  I think this group will be my lifeline.  We're all going through the same thing and the shared experience will be critical to our success.

I feel ... regretful that I didn't do anything sooner.  I hate how much time I've wasted not feeling good about myself.

I feel ... kick-ass for finally deciding not to waste any more time and do something about what was bothering me. It's empowering to know that I've that I've got it in me to change. 

I feel ... good.  And that about sums it up, I suppose.  All of the above, wrapped up in a nice, neat package, is good. Nothing is perfect, no situation is custom-made, but where I'm at right now?  It's good.  Not great, not totally awesome, but a solid, sure-that-things-will-just-get-better-and-better good.

Pride and faith

I don't have a whole lot to say today.  I'm exhausted and feeling a little out of sorts -- right outside my office there's a big-ass machine breaking up concrete and it's like living with a 2.8 earthquake all day (seriously! I put a vibrometer app on my phone and measured it!). The noise is bad, but looking at a shaking monitor makes me a little ill (anyone remember microfiche machines at the library?  Looking at one of those for more than 3 minutes used to make me just about lose my lunch, too).

So, instead of one of my normal witty, insightful and delightful posts, I have this:

That pretty much sums everything up, doesn't it?  I'm doing better at the first part, but having faith in being able to take this the distance is still a little shaky.  It's all going pretty well now, but I know there are going to be periods where making the right choice -- the healthy choice -- will be near impossible.  And that's okay, but what's gotta be different this time is not letting that snowball.  Acknowledge the choice and then move forward. 

And I need to have faith that I can do this.  Because I can, I know it.

To weigh or not to weigh

That is the question.

I've been a daily weigher-in for years now.  It's just habit:  roll out of bed, pee, get on the scale and then grunt either positively or negatively depending on the number.  I like to think that I pay attention to what the scales says, but don't let it rule my life.  I've been around long enough to know that my weight can vary as much as 3-5 pounds over the course of a few days, due to things such as too much salt, hormones or ice cream (YUM).

And I've been tracking my weekly Friday weigh-in for a long time as well.  Some weeks it's not so pleasant to record that number, but I have to admit -- it's cool to graph it out over years to see where I've been.

But recently, Coach V. told us that she'd watch the numbers for us.  That we didn't need to worry about them.  And since then, I've been trying out not getting on the scale every morning.  And it's been weird, and a little uncomfortable with a dash of awesomeness thrown in just to confuse me.

And so I'm not sure what way to go with this -- should I get on the scale every day?  Or just once a week to report in measurements to LE?

Let's make a list, shall we?  Exciting!

An argument for weighing in daily:

• I like having the daily feedback.  While I might not always know what to attribute weight gain/loss to, sometimes I can put it together and make adjustments as necessary.
• Seeing the number every day makes it not too meaningful, if that makes sense. Because I see it swing up and down, those blips don't mean as much.
• And the flip side of that -- if I only see the number once a week, that one weigh-in becomes MUCH more meaningful because it represents an entire week of work (or week of having headed in the wrong direction)
• Because I've always done it (good reason, right?)

An argument for only getting on the scale weekly:

• There's a real sense of freedom in not having to see that number every day. It focuses me on my behavior (which I can control) and not on the outcome (which I cannot control).
• There's the possibility of getting on the scale and seeing a big loss from last week and somehow that would feel like more of an accomplishment than seeing my weight creep down bit by bit over a week.  Talk about motivation!
• Because I've never done it this way (and I'm all about doing things differently now, right?)

So, what's everyone else's opinion?  How do you treat weigh-ins?  Does anybody do a "hidden" weigh-in where they have someone else looking at the scale and recording the number so they can't see it?

Jump!

Over at my other online home -- beginnertriathlete.com -- I've had this graphic posted for the past month and I wanted to share here because I think it's especially on target for what I'm trying to accomplish:

I'm still learning to trust the process, to take that leap not exactly knowing how this is all going to work.  The LE program very specifically does not tell you what's coming in the future -- I can only look at lessons 2 days in advance -- so that we won't spend any time worrying about the future.  They tell us:  trust us.  Trust that we've been successful for thousands of clients.  Trust that we've done our research.  Trust that we're leading you in the right direction, even if you don't see results at this early point.

It's hard sometimes, but I'm going along with it.  It's not like what I've done has ever worked long term, so it's time to trust someone other than me, right?

Another new habit Monday!

The new habit this week is to eat some lean protein with every meal.  Finally, a return to concrete, measurable, did-I-or-didn't-I habits!  Whew.  It's nice to be concentrating on something that doesn't take as much brain power and mental acrobatics to be successful.

This habit will be more of a logistical challenge than anything else -- doing the planning to make sure that I have some lean protein available for all of my meals.  A year or so ago, I started upping my protein intake -- or, at least, being mindful of trying to get more protein -- so I'm thinking that this won't be all that difficult for me.  It helps that I like almost all of the good sources of protein, from chicken to eggs and beans and fish.  And I'm looking forward to trying out a new recipe that I ran across for homemade turkey jerky (this recipe will wait for cooler weather, though... no sense in having my oven on for 6-10 hours when I'm paying for air-conditioning).

Of course, the previous habits just don't get thrown out the window; while my happy, I'm-compliant green checkmark no longer depends on me eating slowly and eating to 80% full, I still have to keep implementing those habits. Seeing as how these are dubbed The Two Super Habits, this shouln't come as a huge shock to anyone.  The Super Habits (I like thinking of them in superhero costumes somehow) will work in conjunction with the new lean protein habit -- by having more lean protein on the plate (which will ideally displace something else that I was eating), I'll feel more satisfied after meals, even with only eating to 80%. That's what's supposed to happen, at least.

On a side note, the first habit -- taking fish oil and probiotic -- has been brought down to smaller quantities:  1 tsp of fish oil and a normal dose of the probiotic.  Everything I've been reading lately has been touting the awesomeness of these two things, but I have to say that I don't really notice any difference after having taken both for 6 weeks.  Oh well - it can't hurt, right?

So - onward!  Another 2-week habit to learn and master!

Sunday Funday: Week 6 Review

Another week in the books and the end of Phase 1!  And what a week it's been:  drama and chaos abounded with work being a bear and requiring overtime, my dryer dying on me, a dog with a UTI and the news that my here-again-gone-again roommate was moving back in. But I'm proud of myself because throughout it all, I had only one bad night where I very mindfully ditched the healthy way of responding to the stress and instead took it out on a bag of chips. That's a step in the right direction for me -- in the past, that would have had to potential to derail me for days.

The lessons and assignments this week have all been on the mental/emotional side of things -- talking about fears and discomfort and the ability to let go of the outcomes and concentrate solely on behaviors.  It's been good work and the piece of the puzzle that's always been missing from other forays into getting back into shape.

And without further adieu, my weekly round-up:

Measurements:
Yesterday was scale/measurement/photo (BLECH!) day.  The photos, as I well knew, showed no sign of progress, but Rome wasn't built in a day, ya know?  A very small victory: for the first time my weight has dropped below where I started the program!  Measurements are all about the same, but I'll say that I'm feeling a touch more in shape, which feeds my motivation.

Workouts:
Still none missed!  Woot!  The strength training sessions got looong, but I enjoyed the challenge.  I'm also really liking the interval training and getting back into running, which is good for my soul.  With the end of the phase, tomorrow will start with new workouts that will be even more challenging.  Bring it on!

Habits:
Eating to 80% full has been difficult, but I think I'm finally getting the hang of it.  Doesn't mean that it's always easy and I'll always be true to it, but I'm much more likely now than I was just a few months ago. 

Habit Log:
Weeks 1-2: Fish oil and probiotic
Weeks 3-4: Eating slowly
Weeks 5-6: Stop eating at 80% full